Standing Still

There's a life 
Without rush.
I want to be in it.
To stand still
And look at the 
World passing by.
I want to stare at the clock.
Count the minutes.
Lie down.
Watch the clouds.
Taste water 
On my tongue.
Close my eyes.
Count my breath.
Feel the breeze
On my arms.
The goosebumps.
The heightened sense,
That makes me alive.
I want to be,
In that life.
Uncluttered,
Unfettered,
Uncensored.
I want to be
In that life 
Without rush.
~ Shoma 

Artwork: Shoma Chakraborty

Letter to Myself: Thank You Universe for another Happy Birthday!

Dear Life,

Birthdays are milestones in the story of life but, most tend to get lost in a haze of celebrations (pre-Internet era) and texting "thank you" notes these days.

Today I stopped midway to say thanks to the universe.

Why the universe?

Because, I have now with my slightly cracked-opened mind and heart (it happens as you age) with the "light" coming in through the chinks, I have realized that salvation lies in merging with "The One".

What is "The One"?

That can be interpreted in several ways, one God, one soul, the eternal world. Somewhere where there is harmony and peace. It could also be in a corner of this world or on Moon - who knows?

So basically, after all these eventful decades, I have decided to choose love over war.

No. That certainly doesn't make me a Hippie. But, it means for sure that I am more at peace with myself than I was in my younger self. I am aware of my strengths, I know I am emotional and how to hide it like I have learnt how to hide belly fat and I have decided that only rats run in races. I am NOT a rat!

I know that I am unique and capable of a lot of things that others find very difficult to do and many that I cannot. But, that is fine. I know someone else is better equipped to do it and that is their forte. I am not ashamed of not being able to take up that job.

I like it that I don't know everything. It means I am sane and not a control freak. But, I also know that I can pick up most things pretty fast because I have a curious mind.

Many people hate me but, that is their problem. I care only for those who have seen me through thick and thin.

This is the reason why I want to make another list of thank yous and send it out to the universe. So, here's my list:

Thank you universe for:

1) Wisdom to understand myself and my drawbacks and not feel bad about it

2) Wisdom to empathize but not get swept up by the feeling

3) My human self which comes pre-fitted with the best equipment like, the limbs to run and pick things with, tongue to taste, eyes to see and appreciate, ears to hear and understand meaning of each and every noise and the direction it is coming from and for being the perfect place to perch my glasses on. The nose to smell - danger, food and news! For the brain that takes care of the body, for my stomach, liver, kidneys and every bone in my skeleton. My teeth and nails, hair and skin that is so fragile that I HAVE to wear nice clothes to protect it.

4) My parents and family, because of whom I stay happy and calm

5) My friends and like-minded souls who never forget to give me a hand when I am falling

6) My books and all the writers who have written them with faith, wisdom and filled them with hours of entertainment

7) Movies that never fail to mesmerize me with their visualization that brings characters live on screen

8) Random people who never cease to amaze me with their kindness and warmth

9) Ice cream that keeps me going in Summer when my birthday comes and with it Summer vacations because of which I never got to celebrate in school. It used to feel like tragedy then

10) Food because it can kill the pain of even the worst break-ups

11) Art because it can heal any wound - emotional or physical and help you look and feel good (will explain in detail another time)

12) Teachers for being around always to show the way

13) Babies for demonstrating unconditional love

14) My inner being that shows me the way - this one is impossible to explain but, I swear I am not bi-polar. I took several online tests to check

15) My curious nature that allows me to live everyday counting a hundred small victories rather than one huge failure

I thank the universe for giving me all that is beautiful on Earth and for making those awfully painful cracks in my mind and heart to let the light in.

And finally, thank you all for reading this. May your life be happy and may everyone learn to count their blessings.

Love and light!

#4 Dear me! Letters to Myself: Happy Thanksgiving

 

Dear life,

Everyone's happy today in the US and eating Turkey dinners. Their outgoing President even pardoned a turkey and spared its life. How magnanimous!

You know how I love festivals and so, I thought of you and the journey of my life so far.

The long list of happy memories far outweighed the list of things that went wrong like, the time when as a teenager I and my cousin ended up watching a wrong movie at the theatre because we were too shy to ask for a ticket for the movie of our choice. Instead, we asked for 'a ticket' for the next show - which we were told was about to start. We never questioned what was playing assuming it was the new Amir Khan film because there were enough posters around us saying so.

I still remember waiting patiently thinking that the English film, Conan the Barbarian, was just a long-ish trailer and the Juhi Chawla film, Goonj, will start any moment. It didn't help that the morning show didn't have any interval.

We almost cried when 'The End' loomed up dashing all our hopes of redemption. Oh! The follies of innocence and youth.

I have till date not watched the movie in deference to the teenaged me who didn't have the money to watch it in the next show!

Anyhow, today is not about losses. Today is about gains. And though we may not get to eat a turkey tonight - it doesn't matter. I am still happy because I can count my blessings with you.

So, without further ado here is the list:

1) My Family - for their love, kindness and unconditional support - that was a no-brainer!
2) My Friends - for their patience and positivity - I am very poor at keeping in touch :(
3) My Teachers - for believing in me and nurturing my ambitions
4) Children - for sharing their unconditional love - especially three little girls I'll always remember
5) Books - for being the best medicine for every ailment I've had
6) Films - for eliminating boredom and keeping hope alive
7) Travel - for killing the blight called monotony, the bane of my existence
8) Star Trek - for making me believe in science
9) Harry Potter and JK Rawlings - for making me believe in magic
10) Rains - for making me believe in miracles
11) Ice Cream - for making me believe that cold is better than bearable
12) Sea - for turning me into a believer
13) Shakespeare - for just-in-time philosophy
14) Hand Creams - for helping cope with dry air conditioned offices
15) Table Lamps and Cushion Covers - for instantly refreshing home decor
16) Van Gogh - for filling me with curiosity and a different perspective
17) Tintin - for being an amazing role model
18) Cars - for making me self-reliant
19) Delhi - for making me curious about History
20) Bombay - for making me trust again

That was not a huge list but, writing it up made me smile from inside out. Happiness is not a thing that you can buy at the grocery store or a mall but, a feeling that stays in your heart pumping blood into the brains. :D

I remember when I didn't have the money to buy a camera, I would simply capture frames with my eyes and string them into poems. It was such a beautiful way to capture memories and keep them alive!

Today when I look at this list, I know that each point has several layers and memories accumulated in it. If I was to elaborate each one, I can fill pages till I run out of space to write and you the patience to read. But, there is no need for that. You already know what I know.

Happy Thanksgiving dear life!

Love,

Shoma

#3 Dear me! Letters to Myself: Coming of Age

Image Courtesy: Shoma Chakraborty

Dear Life,

This is my third letter to you.

I now start my day thinking what to write to you because there is so much I want to tell you. My head is full of reasons why I must thank you. I wonder why did I take this long to start?

This morning I remembered myself as a kid in school. I laughed thinking how I used to pray in the assembly hoping teachers would forget that they had given assignments if I had forgotten to complete mine, and how mostly my prayers were answered. I thought I was a lucky little girl.

How I wish dear life, that I had not squandered wishes away on unfinished assignments. I didn't know then that the genie only grants a limited number of wishes and we must ask for them only after careful consideration.

Nothing had really prepared me for sudden adulthood. Least of all, school or college where I was protected, cherished and given wings to fly.

Then dear life, came my violently ushered coming of age. It was sudden.

I woke up from a pleasant dream kicking and screaming with tears streaming down my cheeks to find that I was an adult who was untrained to deal with the real world. It was scary and I had no mechanism to cope with it.

Shame, loss, betrayal, illness... You name it and I had it shoved at me. In one stroke, my life was - I thought - ruined.

It was nothing like the lovely coming-of-age movies I had grown up watching, where, pretty boys and girls in beautiful dresses and hairstyles went through small confusions, overcame them and lived happily ever after.

Mine was all blood, sweat and the nasty realization that some people really hated me though I had given them no reason for it.

It was while flailing down a dark hole that I encountered others who were concerned and reached out to pull me back. I was so scared that I didn't know if I wanted to be saved. Did these people really want to save me? Why? Was it pity?

Eventually, I learnt that just like haters, there is no accounting for people who love you. There's no formula for this.

Thankfully I had you. My most trusted confidante. You were patient, understanding and allowed me to vent out my feelings.

I knew that you did not pity me.

You let me cry.

You helped me understand my pains, the reasons for them and gradually made me let go of my anger.

It is your most precious gift and I cannot thank you enough for it.

You stood with me on the shore of a friendly sea in a busy city. when I just said, "I give up my anger and pardon everyone who has wronged me!"

How I laughed and chuckled and jumped that morning. The gentle breeze fanning my spirit to soar, There was nothing weighing me down. I was free. Free to be an adult.

It was my most liberating moment and I can still touch the feeling as I write.

Thank you, thank you and thank you again.

With anger out of the way, you took me by my hands and pulled me inside. You showed me my heart. You introduced me to my spirit. You helped me put on my wings again and fly.

You also taught me to be kind and generous and to open my heart to other people and to help them.

I think that was a smashing gift! I know, 'smashing'! Funny? No? But, it was. It smashed all the boundaries around my heart.

Thank you for making me a better human being by allowing the light to pour in through the cracks of my shattered self worth. You made me glow with that light, put a smile on my lips and kindness in my eyes.

I now know that people spend a lifetime or a lot of money on cosmetics to get this look.

Thank you dear life for being my guide!

Love,

Shoma

Image Courtesy: Shoma Chakraborty

I Hold my Key to Happiness

There are days when everything feels dull. Even rain fails to raise your spirit and mile long traffic jams make resistance futile even for the most resilient among us.

By afternoon you are angst-ridden, irritated and wondering, why did you even get out of the bed in the morning? 

Often, such questions defy answers - especially if it is a Monday like today! 

So, I try going existential and ask myself questions like, 'Can a whole life be lived in a single Monday? Or Can one evening of your life be the most important and most exciting of your life?

The answer I feel is, yes.

These moments that pass us by at breakneck speed are ours to either fill with happiness and laughter so that they become framed in our memories as happy events.

Why else would I hold on to a memory from age three, where my ma after dressing me in a yellow T shirt with a couple of dancing foxes embossed on it and dousing me in baby talc, gives me a hug calling me "shonamoni"?

Or when at age 5 I had to clean up all the toys after my toddling sister who declared very grandly, "I know how to play, but not how to clean up." I was not angry. Mildly irritated but, immensely tickled by her attitude. She had just learnt to speak.

   

I keep getting these flashes from far away summer vacations when we had stolen sweets from my grandmom's larder and hidden them in the coal cellar. We were of course caught red handed eating the exposed sweets and told, 'now you have eaten what all the cockroaches and bacteria has already tasted..." We thought, we were going to die!

I also remember how someone from Delhi upon looking at the Juhu sea for the first time from the double Decker bus in Bombay exclaimed, "Look. I never knew there was a desert in Bombay!"

I had looked around wondering, "did anyone else in here hear what was just said?"

Life is nothing but memories. I firmly believe that they should be happy rather than sad.

I have always taken a mental broom and cleaned out bad memories from my mind. It is easy, just clean up and throw inside a mental strong box and lock it up.

Keep the key safe. Ensure that only you should be able to open it and  no one else.

And coming back to Mondays, I have a similar strong box of happy moments where I have lived an entire short life. I just open the box and let it rain happy memories when stuck in a jam, facing a hard-to-please client or almost dozing off in a boring meeting or something much worse. Happy memories and happy times make you feel life's easy.

Also, when you look up in a bad situation and smile at another miserable soul, you make that person happy as well.

I try making happy memories in even the worst of times. I keep one eye out for that silver lining that most of us miss because we are busy being miserable. You never know when you'll need to open this treasure chest and cheer yourself up because nothing seems to be going your way at all. So, keep this key handy.

It is easy to do. Just smile and look around and everything will change around you. You are free to look away from the reasons that are causing you heartburn, ignore them even. After all, it is your life. You need to call the shots not anyone else.

A Love Note Post-Valentine's Day!

Another year and another Valentine's Day when I enjoyed the fact that I could be happy for no reason at all and for everything that I have. Recently I started meditating on love and each time I close my eyes and think of all the love that I have received in my life tears seep out of my eyes and a smile forms on my lips. I sometimes also meditate anticipating the love that is stored for me in the future and that is such a joyous feeling that it can calm a storm inside and outside. Usually, it makes me sail through the day as light as a feather.

Love, I have realized over the years, is like happiness. You may not be privy to it at all times but, it is there sprinkled all over the place for you to grab and run with. It falls perfectly in line with my mantra of living for the moment. Gather happiness, gather love as you go and you will always be rewarded with more.

I will not be cynical and say that I have not loved nor been loved because that would be as pompous as saying, "I'm self made..." I am because I was brought up with love and nurtured with care.

However, I wonder every time around Valentine's Day, why only one day to celebrate love?

Love is such an instant pick-me-up that it should be celebrated everyday.

I have decided to celebrate love everyday. Love in all its avatars and forms and facets is welcome. It does not matter whether it is requited or not or if it is welcome. It does not matter. The anticipation, the palpitation, the glow in the cheeks, the burning ears, love is the best cosmetic ever created.

So, I wake up each day and pop comes a story into my mind that has nameless, faceless characters in conversation. I write down their conversations and start my day. These are tales of love being played out somewhere in the universe. They are moments of love.

You can read these extremely short tales in the link here:

http://shomachakraborty.blogspot.in/2014/01/very-short-tales.html

I'd suggest you keep checking the above page every once in a while because I keep adding more stories in it.

I have also started write poems on love once more - something I used to avoid doing earlier because I find poetry very mundane. I know it is strange but, that is how I look at poetry. Nothing ephemeral about it. It's just words arranged in a string.

Over the years I have realized that love is a renegade. It does not conform. It cannot be disciplined and it is no use trying to stop it. It will go places and pull you through the rocks and rough edges. I have decided to let it do what it has to, what it needs to. You always have the final decision available to let go.

By letting go you make yourself free to experience more - pain, pleasure, love...

Try it for yourself. Have fun. Be in love - always!

Love and light.

... And this here is what I had written last year:

http://shomachakraborty.blogspot.in/2013/02/a-love-note-with-card-type-images-for.html

This is not the End

No, this is not the end.
The end will be glorious,
A riot of colors and frill.
With pink champagne to toast,
We'll celebrate till dawn.
Then, stagger home in the morning,
Kissing everyone on the road.
Gates will be bypassed,
Because we'll jump the walls.
There will be masks and make-up.
Also perhaps, a clown.
There will be fireworks, for sure, 
Oh Yes! And the customary countdown.
There will be shimmer and skin.
And flashbulbs on the red carpet.
Everyone will want to shake our hands,
And the band will play only our melodies.
No, this is definitely not the end.
Because the end would be grand.