Letter to Myself: Thank You Universe for another Happy Birthday!

Dear Life,

Birthdays are milestones in the story of life but, most tend to get lost in a haze of celebrations (pre-Internet era) and texting "thank you" notes these days.

Today I stopped midway to say thanks to the universe.

Why the universe?

Because, I have now with my slightly cracked-opened mind and heart (it happens as you age) with the "light" coming in through the chinks, I have realized that salvation lies in merging with "The One".

What is "The One"?

That can be interpreted in several ways, one God, one soul, the eternal world. Somewhere where there is harmony and peace. It could also be in a corner of this world or on Moon - who knows?

So basically, after all these eventful decades, I have decided to choose love over war.

No. That certainly doesn't make me a Hippie. But, it means for sure that I am more at peace with myself than I was in my younger self. I am aware of my strengths, I know I am emotional and how to hide it like I have learnt how to hide belly fat and I have decided that only rats run in races. I am NOT a rat!

I know that I am unique and capable of a lot of things that others find very difficult to do and many that I cannot. But, that is fine. I know someone else is better equipped to do it and that is their forte. I am not ashamed of not being able to take up that job.

I like it that I don't know everything. It means I am sane and not a control freak. But, I also know that I can pick up most things pretty fast because I have a curious mind.

Many people hate me but, that is their problem. I care only for those who have seen me through thick and thin.

This is the reason why I want to make another list of thank yous and send it out to the universe. So, here's my list:

Thank you universe for:

1) Wisdom to understand myself and my drawbacks and not feel bad about it

2) Wisdom to empathize but not get swept up by the feeling

3) My human self which comes pre-fitted with the best equipment like, the limbs to run and pick things with, tongue to taste, eyes to see and appreciate, ears to hear and understand meaning of each and every noise and the direction it is coming from and for being the perfect place to perch my glasses on. The nose to smell - danger, food and news! For the brain that takes care of the body, for my stomach, liver, kidneys and every bone in my skeleton. My teeth and nails, hair and skin that is so fragile that I HAVE to wear nice clothes to protect it.

4) My parents and family, because of whom I stay happy and calm

5) My friends and like-minded souls who never forget to give me a hand when I am falling

6) My books and all the writers who have written them with faith, wisdom and filled them with hours of entertainment

7) Movies that never fail to mesmerize me with their visualization that brings characters live on screen

8) Random people who never cease to amaze me with their kindness and warmth

9) Ice cream that keeps me going in Summer when my birthday comes and with it Summer vacations because of which I never got to celebrate in school. It used to feel like tragedy then

10) Food because it can kill the pain of even the worst break-ups

11) Art because it can heal any wound - emotional or physical and help you look and feel good (will explain in detail another time)

12) Teachers for being around always to show the way

13) Babies for demonstrating unconditional love

14) My inner being that shows me the way - this one is impossible to explain but, I swear I am not bi-polar. I took several online tests to check

15) My curious nature that allows me to live everyday counting a hundred small victories rather than one huge failure

I thank the universe for giving me all that is beautiful on Earth and for making those awfully painful cracks in my mind and heart to let the light in.

And finally, thank you all for reading this. May your life be happy and may everyone learn to count their blessings.

Love and light!

When Music and Lyrics Found me Once More

In the house of lovers, the music never stops, the walls are made of songs and the floor dances.
~ Rumi

If music be the food of love, play on;
Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken, and so die.
That strain again! it had a dying fall:
O, it came o'er my ear like the sweet sound,
That breathes upon a bank of violets,
Stealing and giving odour!
~ Shakespeare, Twelfth Night

All the poets, mystics and bards cannot be wrong. Music relaxes, soothes and rejuvenates. Right? Yesssss... but only if it is healing and not hurting you. I have been now trying for months to write this piece but, did not know what to say. I know now that I was staring at it from the wrong end. So, I'll write here about not only how I was lost to music and lyrics for years together but also the joy and gratitude when I was found.

There were these close to ten years of my life when I hated music - something I had loved from the time I was a kid - but it did happen - all because it seemed to be a thing my tormentor (seemed to) love and enjoy. It was a reflex that I failed to either understand or acknowledge. I acted delusional, thinking I had outgrown music and poetry. I know. Foolish woman! Right? I agree. But, you have to understand that I was trying too hard.

And then, freedom happened. It took them (music and lyrics) no time at all to return to their rightful places - in my ears, heart and mind.

Those few years when music of any kind gave me headaches and made me want to shout out aloud were strange. I label them weird because it was not music's fault but mine for trying too hard to fit like a square peg in a round hole. It was also the fault of other people in my life for mocking and laughing at my sensibilities and shocking me with their attitude not to mention their 'affected and bad taste' in music or let me be sweet and say 'different,' that was thrust on my face day in and day out. Hammering at my senses, eroding my taste till I thought  all music was noise and poetry was stupid too. Blasphemy? Agreed. But, the raw truth.

Music and lyrics, my dear friend for ages, my companions through adolescence and early adulthood, had not deserted me then even though I had closed my ears and eyes to them and packed them off on an unknown journey. I heard snatches in my mind while travelling or working and more than snatches when cooking and even when reading a good book. But, for years I turned off music and lyrics only listening by mistake an odd Bollywood release quickly turning it off before it got too loud for my senses to bear. Not even Sufi music would sooth me. I sometimes heard music just to blend in. Not really listening but, nursing a headache behind a polite smile. It was a strange phase. It will remain in my mind the phase when I tried to conform. 

Music, I have realized, goes with freedom. If you are free to be happy, free to be sad, free to think your own thoughts, it will become your constant companion but, if someone was laughing at your choices, mocking your valor and I call it valor because it takes guts to try, anything and everything, music flees from the region around your ears. It also flees when trying too hard to be someone else just to make people around happy. They also become alien when you know you cannot love nor are being loved. When life becomes a pyramid of making the 'right choices' to survive - music and lyrics stop making any sense in that world.

But, I don't want to dwell on the time when music had fled my world. No. I want to celebrate the fact that now, we are back together once more and it's been a good two years! Time to clink crystal and say, "Cheers!" to two years of freedom.

Just one word of caution to whoever is reading this: Please take it as a very serious sign when you turn your back to music and start thinking it is noise because it is perhaps the first alarm set off together by your head and heart that things are wrong. Very wrong. Just run from the situation and back to music and lyrics because therein lies your salvation.

Be happy always and dance when you are cooking or walking on a lonely road because you are never alone with music and lyrics playing in your head. 

With my heartfelt thanks to Tagore who put me to sleep with his wonderful music every night throughout my crazy and difficult adolescent years.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6srT3VWSzRk