#4 Dear me! Letters to Myself: Happy Thanksgiving

 

Dear life,

Everyone's happy today in the US and eating Turkey dinners. Their outgoing President even pardoned a turkey and spared its life. How magnanimous!

You know how I love festivals and so, I thought of you and the journey of my life so far.

The long list of happy memories far outweighed the list of things that went wrong like, the time when as a teenager I and my cousin ended up watching a wrong movie at the theatre because we were too shy to ask for a ticket for the movie of our choice. Instead, we asked for 'a ticket' for the next show - which we were told was about to start. We never questioned what was playing assuming it was the new Amir Khan film because there were enough posters around us saying so.

I still remember waiting patiently thinking that the English film, Conan the Barbarian, was just a long-ish trailer and the Juhi Chawla film, Goonj, will start any moment. It didn't help that the morning show didn't have any interval.

We almost cried when 'The End' loomed up dashing all our hopes of redemption. Oh! The follies of innocence and youth.

I have till date not watched the movie in deference to the teenaged me who didn't have the money to watch it in the next show!

Anyhow, today is not about losses. Today is about gains. And though we may not get to eat a turkey tonight - it doesn't matter. I am still happy because I can count my blessings with you.

So, without further ado here is the list:

1) My Family - for their love, kindness and unconditional support - that was a no-brainer!
2) My Friends - for their patience and positivity - I am very poor at keeping in touch :(
3) My Teachers - for believing in me and nurturing my ambitions
4) Children - for sharing their unconditional love - especially three little girls I'll always remember
5) Books - for being the best medicine for every ailment I've had
6) Films - for eliminating boredom and keeping hope alive
7) Travel - for killing the blight called monotony, the bane of my existence
8) Star Trek - for making me believe in science
9) Harry Potter and JK Rawlings - for making me believe in magic
10) Rains - for making me believe in miracles
11) Ice Cream - for making me believe that cold is better than bearable
12) Sea - for turning me into a believer
13) Shakespeare - for just-in-time philosophy
14) Hand Creams - for helping cope with dry air conditioned offices
15) Table Lamps and Cushion Covers - for instantly refreshing home decor
16) Van Gogh - for filling me with curiosity and a different perspective
17) Tintin - for being an amazing role model
18) Cars - for making me self-reliant
19) Delhi - for making me curious about History
20) Bombay - for making me trust again

That was not a huge list but, writing it up made me smile from inside out. Happiness is not a thing that you can buy at the grocery store or a mall but, a feeling that stays in your heart pumping blood into the brains. :D

I remember when I didn't have the money to buy a camera, I would simply capture frames with my eyes and string them into poems. It was such a beautiful way to capture memories and keep them alive!

Today when I look at this list, I know that each point has several layers and memories accumulated in it. If I was to elaborate each one, I can fill pages till I run out of space to write and you the patience to read. But, there is no need for that. You already know what I know.

Happy Thanksgiving dear life!

Love,

Shoma

#3 Dear me! Letters to Myself: Coming of Age

Image Courtesy: Shoma Chakraborty

Dear Life,

This is my third letter to you.

I now start my day thinking what to write to you because there is so much I want to tell you. My head is full of reasons why I must thank you. I wonder why did I take this long to start?

This morning I remembered myself as a kid in school. I laughed thinking how I used to pray in the assembly hoping teachers would forget that they had given assignments if I had forgotten to complete mine, and how mostly my prayers were answered. I thought I was a lucky little girl.

How I wish dear life, that I had not squandered wishes away on unfinished assignments. I didn't know then that the genie only grants a limited number of wishes and we must ask for them only after careful consideration.

Nothing had really prepared me for sudden adulthood. Least of all, school or college where I was protected, cherished and given wings to fly.

Then dear life, came my violently ushered coming of age. It was sudden.

I woke up from a pleasant dream kicking and screaming with tears streaming down my cheeks to find that I was an adult who was untrained to deal with the real world. It was scary and I had no mechanism to cope with it.

Shame, loss, betrayal, illness... You name it and I had it shoved at me. In one stroke, my life was - I thought - ruined.

It was nothing like the lovely coming-of-age movies I had grown up watching, where, pretty boys and girls in beautiful dresses and hairstyles went through small confusions, overcame them and lived happily ever after.

Mine was all blood, sweat and the nasty realization that some people really hated me though I had given them no reason for it.

It was while flailing down a dark hole that I encountered others who were concerned and reached out to pull me back. I was so scared that I didn't know if I wanted to be saved. Did these people really want to save me? Why? Was it pity?

Eventually, I learnt that just like haters, there is no accounting for people who love you. There's no formula for this.

Thankfully I had you. My most trusted confidante. You were patient, understanding and allowed me to vent out my feelings.

I knew that you did not pity me.

You let me cry.

You helped me understand my pains, the reasons for them and gradually made me let go of my anger.

It is your most precious gift and I cannot thank you enough for it.

You stood with me on the shore of a friendly sea in a busy city. when I just said, "I give up my anger and pardon everyone who has wronged me!"

How I laughed and chuckled and jumped that morning. The gentle breeze fanning my spirit to soar, There was nothing weighing me down. I was free. Free to be an adult.

It was my most liberating moment and I can still touch the feeling as I write.

Thank you, thank you and thank you again.

With anger out of the way, you took me by my hands and pulled me inside. You showed me my heart. You introduced me to my spirit. You helped me put on my wings again and fly.

You also taught me to be kind and generous and to open my heart to other people and to help them.

I think that was a smashing gift! I know, 'smashing'! Funny? No? But, it was. It smashed all the boundaries around my heart.

Thank you for making me a better human being by allowing the light to pour in through the cracks of my shattered self worth. You made me glow with that light, put a smile on my lips and kindness in my eyes.

I now know that people spend a lifetime or a lot of money on cosmetics to get this look.

Thank you dear life for being my guide!

Love,

Shoma

Image Courtesy: Shoma Chakraborty

#2 Dear me! Letters to Myself - Falling Leaves

Falling leaves
Image Courtesy: Shoma

Dear Life,

I know that this is a sudden spurt but, like I said, I had been wanting to write to me/ you/us for a long time. For years now I have been my own best friend and confidante.

Today, as October has turned into November and the dried leaves filled up the backyard, I did not clear it as I usually do. Instead, I sat down with you to think, to look back and relax.

You may have called me a few names for not getting chores done but, it did not matter. Just sitting there with feet dipped in sunlight falling across the threshold was enough to stop you from lecturing me in just a few minutes. Oh! How the mighty fall!

Rest and be thankful
Image Courtesy: Shoma

The thoughts were not too difficult to follow were they?

Remembering the raw and ripe mangoes filling up the place just a few months ago.

Raw mangoes were falling like the now dried leaves at one point and it was such a pleasant surprise to wake up and find them scattered all around waiting to be picked up.

Once the novelty wore off, I stopped picking them up and instead left them for the domestic and society help. Food's food, isn't it?

A few days later, the ripe fruits would start plopping down. It was a funny surprise.

Still sleepy, I thought it was the neighbours upstairs throwing down half or partially-eaten mangoes because most of them were somewhat eaten.

It took a few minutes to imagine what was happening. It was the birds, feasting on the fruits while they were still hanging up there on the branches!

It made me laugh so much. I looked at the fruits, half eaten and thought, "Wow! Organic! Innocent and sitting ducks."

Fallen
Image Courtesy: Shoma

And today, the leaves are falling, messing up the same place which it had once studded with fruits.

Dried leaves. Who wants them? Who needs them? And certainly, no one is burning them this winter.

It's after almost a month that we could actually open the door and sit out for a while. The smog had made it Hell for so long. 'No bonfires please, we are choking!'

Yes. Life is like that. One day you are raw, then, ripe, thrown around half chewed and then - gone up in smoke.

Death is not the end though because all those who have laughed with you when you were raw and ripe and cried for you when you were chewed up and thrown out will remember you and think of you when you are nothing more than a bunch of dried leaves being burnt into ashes. You will continue to live in their memories and perhaps only die when they are gone too.

Crumpled
Image Courtesy: Shoma

Dear life. I am happy to have you as a friend and companion because together we make a great pair. Especially now, when we have been through so much and seen life from such close quarters.

Grateful to have you around and, I promise to keep writing.

Love,

Shoma

Tree of life
Image Courtesy: Shoma

Looking forward to a Grand Finale

As the year draws towards a grand finale I realized that it has been almost an year that I have been working on my own from home. There were enough skeptics to the idea and I was and still am the greatest of them all. But, it helped me achieve two very important goals in life.

The first and one that was always the greatest dream for me, to tell stories - I wrote - almost like a woman possessed.  Today, I am on the verge of finishing my very first novel amid lots of doubts, speculations and yes many, many, many writer's blocks. I also wrote several short stories and got back in touch with the poet in me. I may not have entered anything for competition nor did I sign the contract that was offered by a publishing house for the book (since I was stuck with a block and also full of foolish doubts) but, I know it has been a great achievement (with a lot of egging by family and friends who have tried everything from being nice and encouraging to being downright rude when I stopped work on the novel) but, what a feat it has been!

The second achievement that this year bestowed upon me was something I never thought myself capable of because I have a mind that wanders all over the place refusing to sit still. So, when today I realize that I CAN sit still in one place and meditate for more than one hour everyday. I feel like I'm the champion of this world.

So, as the year draws to a close I think I am better off in comparison to what I was this time last year, because, I am much more relaxed, I smile lots and have time for all those who need me. I also listen to a lot of good music, read books by known as well as unknown writers, watch movies that I would never have had time to watch earlier, appreciate good art, go for walks and have great discussions with my ma and loads of fun with my dad like I would when we were both young - me a kid and he a youth.

Technically, I may not be rich in terms of a bank balance but, I realized that what I got back is something that I never thought I'd get back ever - my innocence in appreciating whatever is around me, the morning Sun, the dew drops on leaves, the smile of children and strangers and most of all a strong faith that tells me that everything will be all right!
I hope and wish fervently that everyone else gets it too. In my series of realizations, here's something that I realized yesterday. Take some time out and think about it without allowing cynicism pollute your thoughts after all, this is a theory backed by science.

"E = mc2 says mass cannot be either created or destroyed only changed into energy. In that case, I am a part of the same mass that started off the universe and so are you. Which means you and I are interchangeable with the billions of others (known and unknown, living or non-living) who are a part of the universe. Which means all of us contain the same atoms that was once a part of the Gods and messiahs who roamed Earth. Which means I have the same power that built the universe. Then, why does this knowledge make me feel humble not proud?"

Love and light,
Shoma

An old sadhu does Surya Namaskar at the Pushkar Lake unpreturbed by the fact that I was clicking his picture. Mark of a Yogi?