Say 'No' to Stay Happy

Life is never easy and mostly this is because there are too many choices to make. For every decision you take there are a thousand that 'could have been' or 'would have been' or 'if only'.

Personally, I have always faced a problem has been saying 'No'. I have always been scared of making someone unhappy by saying no when they want me to say, 'Yes'.

It had made my life thoroughly complicated and difficult for many years. The idea that I will hurt someone by saying 'No' always ended up by me being miserable for a long time for saying, 'Yes'.

The heart always knows what is right and the wise always go with their heart. I finally learnt to say 'No' from my young niece. When she was just learning to communicate at around the age two years, she would very clearly let us know if she did not want something. She'd simply say, 'no' and stick to her decision. Whether it was on food, time to be put to sleep, who she would want to be carried around by - for every decision, she'd look at what is on display and give her emphatic decision.

I learnt from her. By closely following her whims, I realized that she was exercising her right to choice without any outward influence. It did not matter whose heart she was breaking by saying no. What mattered was whether she was comfortable with the final decision - I observed that she always was. Once she decided, she stuck to the decision and stayed happy. She actually is a happy human being who is able to light up a dark day with her laughter.

Most of us are like her when while growing up. But, adulthood and society takes care of us soon and we become slaves to what is supposedly 'expected behavior.'

But, each time we say 'yes' to something that we wanted to say 'no' to, we kill a bit of ourselves by putting our happiness on hold.

Since Dussehra just passed us by, another story struck me and made me believe that what I learnt from the baby in the last couple of years was absolutely correct. It is the story of Ratnakar bandit who later became the great sage, Valmiki.

Ratnakar confessed to a monk he had captured that he became a dreaded criminal and highway robber to feed his family. The monk very calmly asked him to go back to his family and ask them if they were ready to take his sins on their heads because he was 'killing and looting innocents to feed them'.

Ratnakar without hesitating for a moment said, "of course they do. They are my mother, father, wife and children. They have always known what I do and how I bring home food. They are partners in my life of crime because they are benefiting from it."

The monk who was tied-up to a huge tree and had the fierce Ratnakar staring at him in the eye with a scimitar ready to behead him said, "Nothing is involuntary in the universe. Go and ask your family and if they say that they are ready to take your sins on their heads, I will be happy to die by your hands."

Ratnakar somehow could not say, 'No'. Perhaps this was his biggest character flaw as he was soon to realize.

He went back to his family in the jungle and asked each one of them separately and then, together but, everyone unanimously refused to take on his sins including his mother and beloved children. They all said, 'it was your duty to take care of us and you did it the way you decided to. We never influenced or asked you to take on a life of crime and murder to feed us. It was your decision to do so and therefore, the sins that you have incurred are also yours.'

No amount of begging or crying would change their minds. Finally, the truth hit the dreaded bandit that we are alone are responsible for taking our own decisions and therefore to suffer or reap the rewards of the Karma we make from them.

He thought he was making his family happy but, in taking care of their happiness he refused to take a road that might have been less paying thinking it would make his family happy. Probably they were too but, Ratnakar himself was not. He was miserable and constantly afraid of death that he meted out to others all the time. Probably it was his inability to overcome his fear of death that made him listen to the monk who had nothing to lose.

In saying 'Yes' to a path of crime, Ratnakar had permanently written-off his choice to be free of the ghosts of his own making. He was successful but, not happy.

He went back to the monk, let him off and took up a vow to cleanse his sins by praying on an ant hill for many years.

How that worked out and how he became the revered saint Valmiki, the author of Ramayana is another story and perhaps his reward for accumulating good Karma post renunciation of the material world.

That day however, was an eye-opener for Ratnakar because, he realized the hard way like most of us that we alone have to suffer our choices. No one will take up the responsibility of our mistakes or bad choices even if we have taken it to make them happy.

What matters is to listen to your heart and follow what your gut tells you.

Choose wisely to live happily because we are the protagonists of our stories and each story deserves a happy ending.

Letter to Myself: Thank You Universe for another Happy Birthday!

Dear Life,

Birthdays are milestones in the story of life but, most tend to get lost in a haze of celebrations (pre-Internet era) and texting "thank you" notes these days.

Today I stopped midway to say thanks to the universe.

Why the universe?

Because, I have now with my slightly cracked-opened mind and heart (it happens as you age) with the "light" coming in through the chinks, I have realized that salvation lies in merging with "The One".

What is "The One"?

That can be interpreted in several ways, one God, one soul, the eternal world. Somewhere where there is harmony and peace. It could also be in a corner of this world or on Moon - who knows?

So basically, after all these eventful decades, I have decided to choose love over war.

No. That certainly doesn't make me a Hippie. But, it means for sure that I am more at peace with myself than I was in my younger self. I am aware of my strengths, I know I am emotional and how to hide it like I have learnt how to hide belly fat and I have decided that only rats run in races. I am NOT a rat!

I know that I am unique and capable of a lot of things that others find very difficult to do and many that I cannot. But, that is fine. I know someone else is better equipped to do it and that is their forte. I am not ashamed of not being able to take up that job.

I like it that I don't know everything. It means I am sane and not a control freak. But, I also know that I can pick up most things pretty fast because I have a curious mind.

Many people hate me but, that is their problem. I care only for those who have seen me through thick and thin.

This is the reason why I want to make another list of thank yous and send it out to the universe. So, here's my list:

Thank you universe for:

1) Wisdom to understand myself and my drawbacks and not feel bad about it

2) Wisdom to empathize but not get swept up by the feeling

3) My human self which comes pre-fitted with the best equipment like, the limbs to run and pick things with, tongue to taste, eyes to see and appreciate, ears to hear and understand meaning of each and every noise and the direction it is coming from and for being the perfect place to perch my glasses on. The nose to smell - danger, food and news! For the brain that takes care of the body, for my stomach, liver, kidneys and every bone in my skeleton. My teeth and nails, hair and skin that is so fragile that I HAVE to wear nice clothes to protect it.

4) My parents and family, because of whom I stay happy and calm

5) My friends and like-minded souls who never forget to give me a hand when I am falling

6) My books and all the writers who have written them with faith, wisdom and filled them with hours of entertainment

7) Movies that never fail to mesmerize me with their visualization that brings characters live on screen

8) Random people who never cease to amaze me with their kindness and warmth

9) Ice cream that keeps me going in Summer when my birthday comes and with it Summer vacations because of which I never got to celebrate in school. It used to feel like tragedy then

10) Food because it can kill the pain of even the worst break-ups

11) Art because it can heal any wound - emotional or physical and help you look and feel good (will explain in detail another time)

12) Teachers for being around always to show the way

13) Babies for demonstrating unconditional love

14) My inner being that shows me the way - this one is impossible to explain but, I swear I am not bi-polar. I took several online tests to check

15) My curious nature that allows me to live everyday counting a hundred small victories rather than one huge failure

I thank the universe for giving me all that is beautiful on Earth and for making those awfully painful cracks in my mind and heart to let the light in.

And finally, thank you all for reading this. May your life be happy and may everyone learn to count their blessings.

Love and light!

Karma Bites

Karma bites my tail. I yelp.
Karma snips.
I jump and writhe in pain...
Karma cocks a snook,
I walk-in to take a look, closely,
And I see, the same old story.
Old wine in new bottle.
Ouch!

On Death and not knowing, 'What Next?'

Death is a great leveler. It closes potholes, smooths bumps and writes the closing chapter of each autobiography. We fear death because we do not know if there is anything beyond it. We are afraid to let go of the familiar. We are afraid to end our story or that of an important character in our book of life. We do not celebrate death as we should, instead cringe and cower at mere mention of it.

Death is never sudden. It takes us by surprise because we don't want it to come.

My professor who died young because of his consumptive habits used to, like a prophet of doom, scowl at us and thunder from the dias, "Death is the only reality of life." We thought he was drunk and rambling, which he was - most of the times - but, he was right.

Shaken by the death of a close friend's mother last year, a lady who loved me like her own and of several other parents of friends, I told another friend that I'd be happier to go before my own parents. 'I do not think that I can take their passing away'. He was polite enough to hide his shock of this declaration because he knows me well. He calmly said, "that is the most selfish death wish ever made."

Yes, it would be and a coward's wish at that.

There is no conning death.

I was reading the blurb of an Indie book recently and was stuck by its bizarre plot about 'Seducing Death'. The girl in question NEEDS to live and so, when she meets death suddenly one fine day and finds out that it's come to claim her, she decides to seduce it with promises of love and wild sex. It was beyond bizarre and obviously had found no publisher.

Jokes apart, I have seen enough people sparring with death and prolonging the final moment often prolonging the suffering of the ones they love. It is much more sensible to accept it as a reality and not be swayed by its fear.

However, that does not mean that we should not try holding death off till we are well and ready for it. We need time. We always need time to put things in order. We are never ready for death. We always think, it is a long way off. And then, it sneaks up on us, leaving us inconsolable.

It is a dark place when someone passes on. The emptiness seems universe deep. But, over time, one gets to accept death as an inevitability. I now go to funerals and pray for the family and friends of the person who has moved on and seek peace for the soul. In my mind it has become a fact. It is something that NEEDS to happen.

Nature teaches us about death as pattern or a cycle. Autumn, dries up and kills everything. Winter is hard and bitter. We miss the warmth and the greenery. But then comes Spring. New life emerges and the world becomes beautiful, green becomes the base and shows off hundreds of other colors in the blooms that take over the Earth. It is a time to celebrate birth. Summer is the time for action, it resembles life. We need to finish all our tasks during Summer. It often burns and singes us but, so does life. Autumn is as inevitable as Spring and we need to remember that at all times.

Death is a part of the rhythm of life and it follows a pattern. Most of us miss the pattern that is visible right from the day we are born. Death is the only truth. I lost a brother a few hours after birth but, I never gripped the truth - not even when I saw my mother grieving silently over a child she had never had the opportunity to hold in her arms for many years. I was too young and my parents too protective. It was never discussed openly. In time I got used to her silent tears.

Now, I wish it was discussed more openly. It would have been a great opportunity for me to accept death when it struck my loved ones and left empty spaces in my life. Not discussing it then, made me a coward and made me weak. It also made me feel like the Colossus or an immortal. Death always seemed far away. Till it stuck those I loved and cared about.

I wonder at times, if death will come as a swift and sudden attack like an enemy bent on rushing me off kicking and screaming or if it would be a welcome friend come as a relief from all the troublesome choices I have made in this life?

It may come as one or the other but, while it lurks in some dark corner waiting for me to finish my time, I must clear my desk everyday and not leave anything important for tomorrow like, telling people who love and appreciate me, how much they mean to me.

Death is the vigilante lurking around us reminding us to not take time for granted. So, wash your hair and paint your toes. After all, don't you want to go looking your best?

Make way for the Karma Cowboy!

These are the best of times and the worst of times.

Best and worst, Hell and Heaven, good and bad - everything is a figment of imagination and a direct outcome of choices we make. Over many mistakes and some good decisions, I have lived a life that urges  me to look forward. Perhaps not so much towards the next 10 years but, certainly towards tomorrow.

Each day inspires me to carry on to the next. Each morning when the Sun peeks out from behind the buildings, across the cricket field outside my balcony window, I see a promise being made, a deal struck. It is almost magical in the fact that the same Sun appears everyday from the same corner of the sky without fail and will continue doing so even when I'm long dead and forgotten.

Many years ago when I was still a youngster making the rounds of newspaper offices, looking for a job, my professor had set up a meeting with a friend in one of the leading Delhi papers. He was a sports reporter with the daily and a perfect gentleman who gave me a bit of an advice before sending me to meet the media-favorite editor of the paper. He had said, "Try to be a winner at your work. Do it honestly. Because, when you are dead and gone, no one will remember you because you were good looking or smartly dressed. They'll remember you for the legacy that you have left behind."

Though I did not get the job nor did I ever meet the gentleman again, I still remember what he had told me all those years ago. It was the most sensible bit of advice anyone can give a teenager/barely legal fresher starting out in life.

I repeat it quite often to myself and each time I go back to that day and then, retrace my steps back to the present day, I see a life full of fulfilled and broken promises, losses and victories. Each day I try and remember how many times I had inspired others and how many times I had failed to make a mark.

It is not an easy task to get through life but, it is not very difficult either. One can always sit back and let situations take over or take the difficult way and carve a road out of the maze.

I know that I use a very fragile nail filer to carve my way out because I am afraid of using a machete. I am always worried that I'd hurt someone if I hack my way through. Whether my compassion is a good strategy or a bad one, I don't know but, I renew my pledge each day that I shall not stop making that way. And I struggle over it. Some snigger at my naive attempts and others urge me on. I have now learnt to accept both and continue steadily, with my efforts (however feeble), at making my life 'memorable'.

In life we need to carve our paths on our own. We may be stuck in our Karmic cycle like the Earth, that makes its way though the same elliptical orbit everyday. Its efforts never gets noticed because all we see is the Sun. It rises from the East and sets in the West and starts our day with a promise of a fresh start and ends it with another that says, "I'll be back."

But, a really optimistic person will see that even Karma can be lassoed and harnessed to reap great rewards. For example, Earth is the only planet we know that has life. And it is all because it is in the right place and on the right elliptical path - Karma be damned.

Think about it. Is the Earth more unique or the Sun, that was born only to burn?

Between Your God and Theirs and Doing a Job Well

No one understands God as much as the little boy begging for food outside a place of worship. He sees God in every person who offers him alms.

God is in goodness and kindness. There are no different Gods. Therefore, my God cannot be better or worse  than their God. God is a philosophy, a way of life. God is loving life and nurturing nature.

I see God in my parents who have given me life and in everyone else after, who have made my life a little easier at every step. I think of them everyday with gratitude and keep them in my prayers. They are a part of my 'God world'.

I refuse to think of God in any color or ethnicity and in my mind I'm sure that God, does NOT help in winning elections - that is religious propaganda and human greed that triumphs based on our own fear in the 'supernatural'.

If God's a vigilante, then I'd have chosen Superman in a blink, he's an alien do-good-er who does not seek power. If God was a religious teacher, I'd be spoiled for choices, I take a little from each one of them (irrespective of religion) to understand God. If God was a war hero, I'd be pushing for the innumerable soldiers who risk their own lives to save others'. But personally, I think God is a bit of all those and more. Much more.

So, what is God?

According to Mahatma Gandhi, God is in doing your Karma or your job (the Hindu meaning) where you continue performing your best and that is the best form of worship. Be true to your profession. If I were a cobbler, it would be my pride to be the best. It is the philosophy and core of The Gita. It clearly asks you to do your duty and not worry about the result at the onset. In its own way, it actually asks you to not even worry about God when there is a task at hand. Just perform your duty. The same teaching is there in almost all religious scriptures but, coated in different tales.

This idea of treating work as worship makes good business sense and keeps you focused. It keeps you together. It keeps you sane.

The idea that pleasing God is doing your job well also ensures that you deal with everyone around you with compassion. Job itself is also not confined to just shifting papers on your desk or whatever it is that you do to make ends meet.

Job also includes nurturing lives, your children, pets, plants in your garden. It also includes making life easier for others, doing mundane chores like, dusting, cooking and cleaning at home, in ensuring proper education for your children. It includes, taking care of your neighbors and feeding the hungry and leaving water for birds during summers.

My mother was telling me today how her mother used to do the "eye roll" if she saw a kitchen where the cook would be cooking with the condiments lying around in shopping bags. She'd say, "this will make Lakshmi (the goddess of wealth and prosperity) go away."

I can imagine how that worked. A sloppy kitchen shows that the cook's not clued-in or happy doing the job. There's no love and pride for what's happening in there and thus, it would be a situation of 'Godlessness'.

The best way to get near God is perhaps by following your heart. If you do not like cooking then hire a cook and channel your efforts into doing what you want to do - it could be anything. Only you know best. Maybe you'll find your God if you stop cooking and being miserable doing it everyday. It could hurt your relationships and dull your lust for life.

It should be our earnest endeavor to be happy because your happiness ignites happiness in those around you. It is far better to move on leaving behind a bad career choice or relationship and pursuing something that perhaps, everyone but you feel is important. Get in touch with yourself and let your decisions be guided by passion. Trust your instincts. Follow your dreams and make them come true. Add value to what is already there around you.

God, according to most of the world's leading religions, is there inside you and in everything around you, living or non-living. It is very easy to seek out God but equally easy to get lost in the way. The trick is in staying tuned and to put in an honest day's work.

Seek God in your heart that cries whenever someone else is hurt. Seek God in the tree that gives shelter to you in the Summer even after you meticulously pruned it in Autumn. There are innumerable Gods and each is tailor-made to fit your expectation. They are all unique just like you are and there is a God in everything around you. Just open your eyes and look beyond the propaganda, beyond the chaos. Strive for peace, inside and out, and God will come to you bearing prosperity.

Karma, Cause and Effect

A friend asked me today a question that kept me worried for most of the day. She asked, ‘how can we justify the Buddha abandoning his family, his wife and infant child to seek Nirvana?’ She said that many of us would also like to get away from our daily lives and perform services for greater good but, most of us will not be able to, because of our sense of duty towards those who love us and depend upon us.

I wondered, ‘what a solid question and how can one actually defend that?’ Especially, when it concerns a father and a prince whose duties were clearly cut out. I kept it in my head the entire day while I went about performing my duties till it came to me in a flash. It was something I had read recently about the law of give and take in the universe by the mythologist and management guru, Dr Devdutt Pattaik. He had said, 

"Ramayan is about the cost of rule-upholding, and Mahabharat is about the cost of rule-breaking. This way or that, there is always a cost. Dharma does not come free. Neither does Adharma. Everything has a cost. That is the law of Karma. No such thing as return without investment in the Cosmos. Dharma, or nobility, is an option; not Karma." 

As Prince Siddhartha, he had everything going for him, a royal palace, abundance of wealth, a beautiful and dutiful wife and a son and heir. His father doted on him and the subjects adored him. He was well-shielded from all external worries and had no clue to human suffering.

He lacked nothing and was worried about nothing. To give up such a life and roam the wilds in search of the answer to the ultimate question that would bring relief to the suffering multitudes sounds like a madman’s decision. This is especially true when you think how he reached that decision based on what he saw and perceived as the three ultimate truths of human life which he had glimpsed at by chance, illness, old age and death.

I thought hard and ran through a list of everyone I knew starting with myself and ending with the spiritual Gurus and Babas of our times but, could not come across many who would really give up riches on a whim and take to the wilds looking for answers like the young Prince Siddhartha did. 

How many other human beings have that strength or wisdom? I wondered. Perhaps, only a handful through history and yet, not many could find and successfully propagate what only Prince Siddhartha could.

Think. There were no personal losses, no bloody wars no broken heart in this young man's life, no bitterness, only three signs of human suffering and a sage.

But, it is the law of the universe that Karma will extract its pound of flesh and so, in our minds we see his young wife, Yashodhara and infant child, Rahul and an old father, Sudhdhodhan left behind bereft and crying. But, was that the only reality?

Whether it is Rama, Krishna or the Buddha each one of their lives as a great Master is also a story of extreme pain and suffering with their Karma dodging their path at every step throwing obstacles that would send any normal human being running for cover. When I think of the life of Jesus Christ, the Prophet Muhammad or Guru Nanak I see shades of the same story painted in different hues. These are the great Masters of the human race who had to walk through fire and ice to bring solace to humanity. And perhaps that was the only way they could reverse their Karma and bring to us the great teachings that can change ours.

In my life and times there can be no greater teacher than the frail and feminine Mother Teresa. Since this is not a strictly religious discussion I will not touch upon her faith at all. I am overwhelmed and humbled by the fact that she lived and worked in the same world as I did while growing up. She lived in extreme poverty and shared everything she owned with lepers and destitute. Yet, many fingers have been pointed at her.

Fingers have also been raised at the Dalai Lama who apart from being a titular head and a religious leader who has the world’s who’s who among his fan list has tirelessly fought for a group of people who lost their land in a tragic situation (again, this is not a political discussion, so no further).

What humbles me the most however is that we are all a chip off of the same old block. Meaning, since matter can neither be created nor destroyed we are all a part of the same dust that created this world millions of millennia ago. This thought had stuck me a while  back and I had put it up on my Facebook Wall because I was overwhelmed by my own finding. I had explained it thus, 

"E = mc2 says mass cannot be either created or destroyed only changed into energy. In that case, I am a part of the same mass that started off the universe and so are you. Which means you and I are interchangeable with the billions of others (known and unknown, living or non-living) who are a part of the universe. Which means all of us contain the same atoms that was once a part of the Gods and messiahs who roamed Earth. Which means I have the same power that built the universe. Then, why does this knowledge make me feel humble not proud?"

To answer my friend who had set me thinking today, we all have the capability to become Bodhisattvas but since each one of us is tied to our Karma (past and present) and are enslaved to it, we need to take matters in our own hands and change it.

Renouncing the world for greater good is the job of a true Master and if I feel that it is not in me to do it then I should try and change my Karma by making the world around me a better and comfortable place for those who are in my immediate environment.

At work I should put in my 100%, at home and family, I should strive to be the soother, the caregiver, among friends, I must be the one who is always there to support and protect. It works in every sphere of my life.

When I stretch, bend and break my back to bring happiness all around me, my Karma automatically changes and I gain peace and happiness. And that, my friend is my personal path to Nirvana and perhaps also yours.