#3 Dear me! Letters to Myself: Coming of Age

Image Courtesy: Shoma Chakraborty

Dear Life,

This is my third letter to you.

I now start my day thinking what to write to you because there is so much I want to tell you. My head is full of reasons why I must thank you. I wonder why did I take this long to start?

This morning I remembered myself as a kid in school. I laughed thinking how I used to pray in the assembly hoping teachers would forget that they had given assignments if I had forgotten to complete mine, and how mostly my prayers were answered. I thought I was a lucky little girl.

How I wish dear life, that I had not squandered wishes away on unfinished assignments. I didn't know then that the genie only grants a limited number of wishes and we must ask for them only after careful consideration.

Nothing had really prepared me for sudden adulthood. Least of all, school or college where I was protected, cherished and given wings to fly.

Then dear life, came my violently ushered coming of age. It was sudden.

I woke up from a pleasant dream kicking and screaming with tears streaming down my cheeks to find that I was an adult who was untrained to deal with the real world. It was scary and I had no mechanism to cope with it.

Shame, loss, betrayal, illness... You name it and I had it shoved at me. In one stroke, my life was - I thought - ruined.

It was nothing like the lovely coming-of-age movies I had grown up watching, where, pretty boys and girls in beautiful dresses and hairstyles went through small confusions, overcame them and lived happily ever after.

Mine was all blood, sweat and the nasty realization that some people really hated me though I had given them no reason for it.

It was while flailing down a dark hole that I encountered others who were concerned and reached out to pull me back. I was so scared that I didn't know if I wanted to be saved. Did these people really want to save me? Why? Was it pity?

Eventually, I learnt that just like haters, there is no accounting for people who love you. There's no formula for this.

Thankfully I had you. My most trusted confidante. You were patient, understanding and allowed me to vent out my feelings.

I knew that you did not pity me.

You let me cry.

You helped me understand my pains, the reasons for them and gradually made me let go of my anger.

It is your most precious gift and I cannot thank you enough for it.

You stood with me on the shore of a friendly sea in a busy city. when I just said, "I give up my anger and pardon everyone who has wronged me!"

How I laughed and chuckled and jumped that morning. The gentle breeze fanning my spirit to soar, There was nothing weighing me down. I was free. Free to be an adult.

It was my most liberating moment and I can still touch the feeling as I write.

Thank you, thank you and thank you again.

With anger out of the way, you took me by my hands and pulled me inside. You showed me my heart. You introduced me to my spirit. You helped me put on my wings again and fly.

You also taught me to be kind and generous and to open my heart to other people and to help them.

I think that was a smashing gift! I know, 'smashing'! Funny? No? But, it was. It smashed all the boundaries around my heart.

Thank you for making me a better human being by allowing the light to pour in through the cracks of my shattered self worth. You made me glow with that light, put a smile on my lips and kindness in my eyes.

I now know that people spend a lifetime or a lot of money on cosmetics to get this look.

Thank you dear life for being my guide!

Love,

Shoma

Image Courtesy: Shoma Chakraborty

I Hold my Key to Happiness

There are days when everything feels dull. Even rain fails to raise your spirit and mile long traffic jams make resistance futile even for the most resilient among us.

By afternoon you are angst-ridden, irritated and wondering, why did you even get out of the bed in the morning? 

Often, such questions defy answers - especially if it is a Monday like today! 

So, I try going existential and ask myself questions like, 'Can a whole life be lived in a single Monday? Or Can one evening of your life be the most important and most exciting of your life?

The answer I feel is, yes.

These moments that pass us by at breakneck speed are ours to either fill with happiness and laughter so that they become framed in our memories as happy events.

Why else would I hold on to a memory from age three, where my ma after dressing me in a yellow T shirt with a couple of dancing foxes embossed on it and dousing me in baby talc, gives me a hug calling me "shonamoni"?

Or when at age 5 I had to clean up all the toys after my toddling sister who declared very grandly, "I know how to play, but not how to clean up." I was not angry. Mildly irritated but, immensely tickled by her attitude. She had just learnt to speak.

   

I keep getting these flashes from far away summer vacations when we had stolen sweets from my grandmom's larder and hidden them in the coal cellar. We were of course caught red handed eating the exposed sweets and told, 'now you have eaten what all the cockroaches and bacteria has already tasted..." We thought, we were going to die!

I also remember how someone from Delhi upon looking at the Juhu sea for the first time from the double Decker bus in Bombay exclaimed, "Look. I never knew there was a desert in Bombay!"

I had looked around wondering, "did anyone else in here hear what was just said?"

Life is nothing but memories. I firmly believe that they should be happy rather than sad.

I have always taken a mental broom and cleaned out bad memories from my mind. It is easy, just clean up and throw inside a mental strong box and lock it up.

Keep the key safe. Ensure that only you should be able to open it and  no one else.

And coming back to Mondays, I have a similar strong box of happy moments where I have lived an entire short life. I just open the box and let it rain happy memories when stuck in a jam, facing a hard-to-please client or almost dozing off in a boring meeting or something much worse. Happy memories and happy times make you feel life's easy.

Also, when you look up in a bad situation and smile at another miserable soul, you make that person happy as well.

I try making happy memories in even the worst of times. I keep one eye out for that silver lining that most of us miss because we are busy being miserable. You never know when you'll need to open this treasure chest and cheer yourself up because nothing seems to be going your way at all. So, keep this key handy.

It is easy to do. Just smile and look around and everything will change around you. You are free to look away from the reasons that are causing you heartburn, ignore them even. After all, it is your life. You need to call the shots not anyone else.

On Death and not knowing, 'What Next?'

Death is a great leveler. It closes potholes, smooths bumps and writes the closing chapter of each autobiography. We fear death because we do not know if there is anything beyond it. We are afraid to let go of the familiar. We are afraid to end our story or that of an important character in our book of life. We do not celebrate death as we should, instead cringe and cower at mere mention of it.

Death is never sudden. It takes us by surprise because we don't want it to come.

My professor who died young because of his consumptive habits used to, like a prophet of doom, scowl at us and thunder from the dias, "Death is the only reality of life." We thought he was drunk and rambling, which he was - most of the times - but, he was right.

Shaken by the death of a close friend's mother last year, a lady who loved me like her own and of several other parents of friends, I told another friend that I'd be happier to go before my own parents. 'I do not think that I can take their passing away'. He was polite enough to hide his shock of this declaration because he knows me well. He calmly said, "that is the most selfish death wish ever made."

Yes, it would be and a coward's wish at that.

There is no conning death.

I was reading the blurb of an Indie book recently and was stuck by its bizarre plot about 'Seducing Death'. The girl in question NEEDS to live and so, when she meets death suddenly one fine day and finds out that it's come to claim her, she decides to seduce it with promises of love and wild sex. It was beyond bizarre and obviously had found no publisher.

Jokes apart, I have seen enough people sparring with death and prolonging the final moment often prolonging the suffering of the ones they love. It is much more sensible to accept it as a reality and not be swayed by its fear.

However, that does not mean that we should not try holding death off till we are well and ready for it. We need time. We always need time to put things in order. We are never ready for death. We always think, it is a long way off. And then, it sneaks up on us, leaving us inconsolable.

It is a dark place when someone passes on. The emptiness seems universe deep. But, over time, one gets to accept death as an inevitability. I now go to funerals and pray for the family and friends of the person who has moved on and seek peace for the soul. In my mind it has become a fact. It is something that NEEDS to happen.

Nature teaches us about death as pattern or a cycle. Autumn, dries up and kills everything. Winter is hard and bitter. We miss the warmth and the greenery. But then comes Spring. New life emerges and the world becomes beautiful, green becomes the base and shows off hundreds of other colors in the blooms that take over the Earth. It is a time to celebrate birth. Summer is the time for action, it resembles life. We need to finish all our tasks during Summer. It often burns and singes us but, so does life. Autumn is as inevitable as Spring and we need to remember that at all times.

Death is a part of the rhythm of life and it follows a pattern. Most of us miss the pattern that is visible right from the day we are born. Death is the only truth. I lost a brother a few hours after birth but, I never gripped the truth - not even when I saw my mother grieving silently over a child she had never had the opportunity to hold in her arms for many years. I was too young and my parents too protective. It was never discussed openly. In time I got used to her silent tears.

Now, I wish it was discussed more openly. It would have been a great opportunity for me to accept death when it struck my loved ones and left empty spaces in my life. Not discussing it then, made me a coward and made me weak. It also made me feel like the Colossus or an immortal. Death always seemed far away. Till it stuck those I loved and cared about.

I wonder at times, if death will come as a swift and sudden attack like an enemy bent on rushing me off kicking and screaming or if it would be a welcome friend come as a relief from all the troublesome choices I have made in this life?

It may come as one or the other but, while it lurks in some dark corner waiting for me to finish my time, I must clear my desk everyday and not leave anything important for tomorrow like, telling people who love and appreciate me, how much they mean to me.

Death is the vigilante lurking around us reminding us to not take time for granted. So, wash your hair and paint your toes. After all, don't you want to go looking your best?

Between Your God and Theirs and Doing a Job Well

No one understands God as much as the little boy begging for food outside a place of worship. He sees God in every person who offers him alms.

God is in goodness and kindness. There are no different Gods. Therefore, my God cannot be better or worse  than their God. God is a philosophy, a way of life. God is loving life and nurturing nature.

I see God in my parents who have given me life and in everyone else after, who have made my life a little easier at every step. I think of them everyday with gratitude and keep them in my prayers. They are a part of my 'God world'.

I refuse to think of God in any color or ethnicity and in my mind I'm sure that God, does NOT help in winning elections - that is religious propaganda and human greed that triumphs based on our own fear in the 'supernatural'.

If God's a vigilante, then I'd have chosen Superman in a blink, he's an alien do-good-er who does not seek power. If God was a religious teacher, I'd be spoiled for choices, I take a little from each one of them (irrespective of religion) to understand God. If God was a war hero, I'd be pushing for the innumerable soldiers who risk their own lives to save others'. But personally, I think God is a bit of all those and more. Much more.

So, what is God?

According to Mahatma Gandhi, God is in doing your Karma or your job (the Hindu meaning) where you continue performing your best and that is the best form of worship. Be true to your profession. If I were a cobbler, it would be my pride to be the best. It is the philosophy and core of The Gita. It clearly asks you to do your duty and not worry about the result at the onset. In its own way, it actually asks you to not even worry about God when there is a task at hand. Just perform your duty. The same teaching is there in almost all religious scriptures but, coated in different tales.

This idea of treating work as worship makes good business sense and keeps you focused. It keeps you together. It keeps you sane.

The idea that pleasing God is doing your job well also ensures that you deal with everyone around you with compassion. Job itself is also not confined to just shifting papers on your desk or whatever it is that you do to make ends meet.

Job also includes nurturing lives, your children, pets, plants in your garden. It also includes making life easier for others, doing mundane chores like, dusting, cooking and cleaning at home, in ensuring proper education for your children. It includes, taking care of your neighbors and feeding the hungry and leaving water for birds during summers.

My mother was telling me today how her mother used to do the "eye roll" if she saw a kitchen where the cook would be cooking with the condiments lying around in shopping bags. She'd say, "this will make Lakshmi (the goddess of wealth and prosperity) go away."

I can imagine how that worked. A sloppy kitchen shows that the cook's not clued-in or happy doing the job. There's no love and pride for what's happening in there and thus, it would be a situation of 'Godlessness'.

The best way to get near God is perhaps by following your heart. If you do not like cooking then hire a cook and channel your efforts into doing what you want to do - it could be anything. Only you know best. Maybe you'll find your God if you stop cooking and being miserable doing it everyday. It could hurt your relationships and dull your lust for life.

It should be our earnest endeavor to be happy because your happiness ignites happiness in those around you. It is far better to move on leaving behind a bad career choice or relationship and pursuing something that perhaps, everyone but you feel is important. Get in touch with yourself and let your decisions be guided by passion. Trust your instincts. Follow your dreams and make them come true. Add value to what is already there around you.

God, according to most of the world's leading religions, is there inside you and in everything around you, living or non-living. It is very easy to seek out God but equally easy to get lost in the way. The trick is in staying tuned and to put in an honest day's work.

Seek God in your heart that cries whenever someone else is hurt. Seek God in the tree that gives shelter to you in the Summer even after you meticulously pruned it in Autumn. There are innumerable Gods and each is tailor-made to fit your expectation. They are all unique just like you are and there is a God in everything around you. Just open your eyes and look beyond the propaganda, beyond the chaos. Strive for peace, inside and out, and God will come to you bearing prosperity.

To Die is to Live Again

'To live is to die a little everyday. But, I love the resurrection part. Death is all the strength I need to rebuild life from scratch.' This thought stuck me recently and made everything clear.

Struggling through life is a norm for most people. We fall flat on our faces and then, like new born calves, try again and again till we are finally able to stand erect supporting our weight on our own two legs. But, it does not end there. Each time we hit a road bump, there we go falling flat on our faces once more.

In my last post, I wrote about famous people who had fallen but, rallied back to great success. This time I want to share the result of my own introspection on failures. 

It is pretty frustrating to fall. I know because, I am constantly slipping and falling both physically as well as in life. However, a very strong realization hit me recently as a result of the critical introspection that I had been doing of my personal and professional failures to understand, 'what was I doing wrong?'

It is an exercise I started last year and today, I am glad to share my understanding because it shattered a few of my own precious myths.

First thing I understood was, 'why?' 

In certain cases I slipped because I was not looking, I was careless. However, these were outnumbered by situations where I fell because I was too focused and too cautious. The learning - 'sometimes it is fine to follow instincts and react - we all have great instincts'.

One thing that shone through this period of introspection was the ability to almost always adapt to and bounce back, no matter how bad the situation. I keep flowing with the tide till my feet find ground once more. This was good news!

In my single-minded determination to pursue goals I fail because I become blind to everything else. It confines my dreams. At times it also makes me selfish and insensitive to other peoples' points of views. It is more often than not, a cause of downfall because I end up working in isolation. Sometimes I even withdraw because I'm worried that others will steal my ideas and at others, I am scared to share because I worry about the butt of joke I'd become if my endeavor fails.

I realize that to win, I need to improvise at every step and seek partnership. There are hardly any achievements that have been won in isolation. Everyone needs a team or at least a partner who has their back.

Sometimes I also lost despite a team/partner because I was not paying enough attention. I was so busy working on my plan that I never knew what was happening around. Sometimes, it pays to be in touch with everyone, to keep a finger on the pulse of those around you. Maybe they are trying to tell you something that would have acted as the missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle or perhaps, they are not looking out for us at all, instead are busy in something else hence, leaving your back unattended. Often, I have been saved from trouble because I was constantly in touch with the team but, sometimes, either due to work pressure or some other reason when I did not, I'd found myself in a situation that pulled me down.

I also learnt that whatever happens, a learner never fails. S/he reinvents and strikes back. This is only possible by keeping our hopes alive and strongly hold on to our faith in self.

The key to success is to believe in your dreams. If I cannot dream I'll cease to exist. In my dreams I am unlimited and unvanquished. I am a winner already! At times it seems outright impossible. This makes me feel helpless, hopeless but, this is when I remember that this is not the end, the end is far from it.

I was recently watching the film, 'The Pursuit of Happyness' starring Will Smith. It is the real life story of a single dad's struggle to care for his 5-year-old and go after a dream that makes him start from scratch, live out of bags, even spend a night in a public toilet but, he does not give up. He despairs but, does not allow it to effect his performance and in doing so, turns over a new leaf in the story of his life and that of his son.

We all need to follow our dreams, whatever they may be, no dream is silly or small. They all have the potential to change our lives and that of those around us. We must hold on to them and improvise whenever we hit a road block. Every time we fail to make our dream a reality we die a little, but, each time we need to brush off that feeling of death and resurrect it in a new blue print. Never stop improvising, never stop adding.

I have bounced back every time and kept my sanity because, I have always lived my dreams. It is what has kept me floating.

This is great story by a life coach that I read today. It simply speaks about a person in deep despair because he'd lost his confidence and had sought out the help of the coach. This is the conversation that took place:

"Mentor: What was the strongest emotion you felt recently and how recent was it?

Person (after an incredulous pause): I was very angry just six hours back when my car was stuck in a jam.

Mentor: So, what happened to that anger? Where did it go in the last six hours after the incident?

Person (after an even longer pause and a smile at the end of it): It's there inside me..."

Yes, it never goes away, your dreams are always alive and right there inside you. Don't you ever forget that. Go make them real!

You are whatever you want to be and no one can steal your dreams unless you give them up without a fight.

Rejection is Challenge

"This is good but, not the kind of work we are interested in. However, we'd like to thank you for trying and we wish you the best in your future endeavors."

Most of us crumple upon finding this two-liner in our mail. But, history is replete with stories of rejectors who have eaten many a humble pies.

Recently, a friend who is keen on writing, did not make it to the final list in a novel writing contest. She was so hurt that she quit creative writing for more than a month, engaging her efforts instead, on writing commissioned articles for magazines. This one is for her and for everyone who wants to throw a curve ball but is stopped because it does not fit in to the existing norms. Don't worry about being the square peg unable to fit into the round hole. Just don't try to fit in. There also exists a square hole made just for you and your ilk.

My advice for those faced with rejection would be, thank the rejector. When life throws lemons at you don't worry, make some lemonade. Treat rejections as challenges. They should make you doubly determined to follow your dreams. Also remember that not everyone understands your vision but in a world of 7 billion there are millions who embrace your dream. You just need to persevere to reach them. Dream on and dream big.

One of the contemporary world's most celebrated artist, Vincent Van Gogh led a tormented life. He was shunned and ridiculed and only sold one painting in his lifetime and that too to a friend! But, he never quit, leaving behind over 800 pieces. In today's market, his art is priceless.

And if that was not enough for Van Gogh, when Irving Stone sent his manuscript, "Lust for Life," this is what came back in the rejection letter, "A long, dull novel about an artist." But, the rest as they say, is history — perhaps history enjoying another little joke at Van Gogh's expense through Stone.

Rejection should not be treated as humiliation. Treat it as a challenge instead. Otherwise, there would be no Mickey Mouse. Walt Disney was fired from a job quoting, 'lack of imagination'.

J.K Rowling, the author of Harry Potter series, speaking at Harvard in 2008 did not discuss success. Instead, she spoke of 'failures'. Her own in particular.

“You might never fail on the scale I did,” Rowling had said. “But it is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all — in which case, you fail by default.

Her story is perhaps the most famous, failure-reversed-to-resounding-success stories of the 20th century. Today she may be richer than the Queen of England. But, back then, she was a penniless, recently-divorced, single mom, she wrote the first Harry Potter book on an old manual typewriter.

The manuscript was rejected 12 times. It was only a year later that Bloomsbury decided to go with it and that too it is believed was a fluke that made it possible. She was also advised to get a day job by her publishers because, 'there was no money in children’s books'!

Now, imagine those who had rejected Rowling's adventure series when it had come to them. Think how they must be kicking themselves for their lack of foresight. It is a sobering thought, isn't it?

Many dreams are nipped at bud by teachers and peers because of their own limited understanding. But, there are also a  handful who make mockery of the criticism and come on top.

As a young boy, Charles Darwin gave up on a medical career. He was often chastised by his father for being lazy and too dreamy. Darwin himself wrote, "I was considered by all, my masters and my father, a very ordinary boy, rather below the common standard of intellect." Perhaps they judged him too soon, as Darwin today is the man who proved the theory of evolution. He is perhaps himself the best example of his theory of 'survival of the fittest'.

Sir Edmund Hillary’s gym instructor ridiculed the puny school boy despairing, ‘What will they send me next!’ That same boy by conquering the Mount Everest trumped his master's ill-asked question.

Then there is Beethoven whose music teacher had declared him, "hopeless at composing!"

It is imperative to dream. We stop existing the day we stop dreaming. Dreams are a manifestation of our power to achieve. We just need to believe in them.

Actor Amitabh Bachchan, speaks freely of his failures. On how his deep baritone voice was rejected by All India Radio and how he was turned down as an aspiring actor because of his great height and lanky frame. He however, lived on next to nothing and slept on benches but persevered. and won the National Award for the best debutant for his first film, Saat Hindustani. The rest of the journey, we all have grown up watching — it's history!

Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley, The Beatles, everyone of them was asked to pack up and try something else.  Monroe was advised to find a day job as a secretary and Elvis was suggested to keep his day job as a truck driver. Beatles were told that guitar was not popular any more! The list is endless and the victories so great that many of these stories have been buried under the edifice of achievements so unique and great that the rejections are now laughable.

Scientist and inventors have often had to walk through fire, live in extreme poverty and deprivation and often fear of persecution to bring the world one step closer to the truth. Think Copernicus and Galileo and how the Church discredited and then censored their theories.

Let rejections not worry you. It does not matter what others think of you. What does really matter is what you think of yourself and how much do you believe in your dreams.

The best thing about dreams is that they are a manifestation of your own imagination. You should have total control over them. Forget about age, society, family, peers, mentors or religious propaganda. If you think it can be done by you then you can do it. Go ahead, chase your dream because that is the purpose if your life.