Thursday, 2 January 2014

Bye Bye Old! Welcome New!

It is always cold when you bid farewell to the old. The heart turns cold with fear and the hands turn icy because we do not want to let go. Letting go is perhaps the most difficult thing on Earth and yet most things come to our lives with a sell-by or expiry date and so does every year.

This year will remain very close to my heart. It allowed me to feel and experience things that did not often fall in together into a safe space. It made me run like a headless chicken on one leg. The reason for the running around was that I was unaware of the quest - what was it that I needed to find? What was it that I was looking for? To crack the quest, I needed help. Lots of help. And help I did get from friends and family alike - till some of them were totally put off by my uncharacteristic questioning and seeking!

Once the quest became clear it was slightly easier though still a very steep climb. So, 2014 perhaps found me hanging by a rope around my hips with my snow shoes firmly planted into the icy crust making my way to the summit.

The quest is difficult and I have just started off on the journey but, though I know that the path will be difficult and very different from the usual, I have decided to enjoy the climb. In that way, I was happy to usher 2014 in. I know I have to walk the road less traveled this year and I feel excited to think what all I'm going to discover at the end of it.

The first half of 2013 was spent in continuation of what I was already doing last year - eat, pray and love. I was meditating, writing, working from home, meeting benevolent clients, meeting friends and simply enjoying life. It was like a celebration of being alive. I loved it and thanked God everyday. It was only after June that life took a 360 degree turn and I went back to a full-time job. The idea was to push the boundaries once more.

I will not speak of the experience at work at all because it does not matter whether I work from home or an office. I will still give my 300% to my job. Whatever happened at work or did not is not the story either. The story was actually something else. It was about self-discovery. It was about realizing how less I knew myself and thus others around me.

Here I'd like to thank all my friends and confidants who showed me the way. This was the first time that I approached the men in my circle of friends to seek out their theory on my journey and the feedback I received from them was an eye-opener of sorts. Many of them confessed to have asked the exact same questions to themselves and even said that they had found the answers after a lot of soul searching. Thus, 2013 opened my eyes up to a brand new discovery - the world of men! How I wish I had grown up with a brother in the house!!!

So, what is my quest and how the journey will be chalked-out is not important but, suffice it to say that I was pretty sad last night because I had to let 2013 go and it was a cold farewell where we both knew that we had to part but, both wanted to linger a little longer. No tears mind you because there were no regrets but, no grand 'moviethon' like last year to bring the year to a close. (Read all about it in the link below.)

It was just a long-debated hair cut that I have been vacillating on for the last three years, a scrumptious dinner with family and smiles. Lots of smiles because 2013 made me realize that I need not depend on others for my happiness. It was a sudden realization but, I cannot imagine how I had let it pass me by for all these years? It took a lecture from a very dear friend to wake me up. He said, and I quote, "why do you have to be the crowd pleaser? Why do you have to put others before self? This is bull shit!"

It dawned on me after a couple of days of meditating on his words that he was right. I just needed to be me. Say "No" when I wanted to and not always 'try'. It made me scared as this thought was new but, it also made me happy once I made peace with the twist in the story.

I really want to thank all my friends who helped me find me because they have already searched and found themselves. I confess that I spilled my guts out for the first time in my life and am not ashamed that I did. It was one of the most liberating experiences I've ever had. Though some of them may have been totally put-off by the constant chatter and the clutch of queries.

And now for the overriding question haunting me for the last few years that did not get answered even in 2013 - where lies my destiny? Yet, the year has made me even more determined to try and walk through every minefield in the vicinity to reach the end that I'm destined to meet.

I also realized that though I love my own space and mostly hate intrusion yet, this year taught me how my hermit-like existence had softened my edge. To deal with people I need to live with people. Love, hatred and space encroachments not-withstanding people are necessary - even if I want to file them away in my memory and extract them to write a story on a later date.

So, my new year resolution? Love myself more to be able to love everyone else who crosses my path or at least tolerate intrusion. Also to be able to stop and draw the line wherever needed. I also want to continue writing and getting printed. It is the story-teller me who is the happiest person I know.

Have a fun-filled and happy new year everyone!

And here's the one from last year!

Finally, starting the year with a quote by Lennon who never ceases to amaze with the simplicity of his thoughts...

Have a wonderful and adventurous new 2014! Go find yourself.

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