From Being Chased by a Washing Machine to making a New Year Resolution

I seldom dream or as most people have told me, care to remember any of them. But, when I do, I try to decipher it because it is usually a once-in-six-months kind of oddity. 

On the last day of the last year (2017), I went off to sleep around 11 pm because I was shit tired. I had worked long days on the 30th and 31st and was in no position to go out or wait for the fireworks to go off. I fell on my bed and literally died till I was woken up by my own voice trying to shout but, sounding like that of a wounded animal in pain. 

I think it was the sound that woke me up. I have never shouted in my sleep ever before or been woken up by my own voice. 

As I opened my eyes to a grey room I recalled the dream vividly. I was being chased by a washing machine inside a home and I was running away from it. 

I also recalled thinking someone was pushing it to follow me and that if I shouted for help, I would be rescued by people - most probably my family - who were in the next room.

I tried shouting but, I was unable to. I tried really hard a few times and that is when I made that garbled noise that woke me up.

As I came to consciousness in my own bedroom in the apartment I live in alone, I was scared for a bit. What did happen? Who was trying to chase me? Why was that person or apparition hiding behind a washing machine of all things to chase me down?

Questions that my mind started forming within minutes of my waking up. By the time my breath returned to normal, I was wondering what message was my mind trying to share with me.

Then suddenly I realized it was the new year and the old one just slipped away while I was sleeping. 

As is human, I started feeling happy about the new and soon forgot about the crazy 'chase scene' and fell back to sleep dreaming of fresh new stuff. After all, who doesn't love the new?

In the next two days, though I did not stop thinking about it and discussed it with my family. My mother found it extremely scary - but, she is my mother. Then, my sister asked me something very interesting, "Are you running away from something?"

That was a good start. So, I started thinking if there was any truth in her query. There was no one to ask but, myself and I spent a lot of time thinking if I was indeed trying to run away from anything in particular. 

A day later - today - I opened up dream interpretation sites and read about chase dreams. Bingo!

She was right. That exactly was how chases were explained. 

I have been running away from a whole lot of decisions from a long time. I have been procrastinating and even avoiding my own counsel. 

It doesn't take a lot of insight to interpret a dream when you are nudged in the right direction. 

The washing machine was probably my own creative imagination that made me make up all the fancy and Surf Excel excuses that help me put off doing things by another day and then another and yet one more. 

So, my super-simple new year resolution would be to worry not and jump into the fray.

There's not much to lose is there. A wise man (may God rest his soul) had once told me many years ago, "there are only two ways a situation can go. Negative or positive. There is no in-between." 

Somewhere in the rat race called life, I had forgotten this absolute gem of an advice and started worrying too much about failing. It's silly in the long run to be scared of not doing something because of the fear of not passing with flying colors.

Life is actually simple because, either we have or we don't have certain things. What we have doesn't come with a guarantee of forever after and what we don't have is always a possibility that we can achieve.

My father, another wise man whose interpretation of life is really very simple always insisted that everything goes away eventually. I have been so burdened with the scare of losing that I had stopped taking the leap of faith. 



This year when it came through, tried to jolt me awake and make me aware of my inactivity. 

It was funny too for the simple reason that probably the universe was irritated by my status quo or maybe it was my inner self. So, something as innocuous as a washing machine was used to chase me out of my stupor by powers that be. 

Once I had uncovered the meaning of the great chase and scream dream sequence that made my life exciting in the pre-dawn hours of the new year, I laughed. I laughed hard at the exasperation of my self that is so tired of me putting things off.

It made it very easy for me to form my resolution - "get moving"!

Have a great and awesome new 2018 and, "get your ass moving people!" Because, it is always better to chase your dreams rather than be chased by them. 

Bye Bye Old! Welcome New!

It is always cold when you bid farewell to the old. The heart turns cold with fear and the hands turn icy because we do not want to let go. Letting go is perhaps the most difficult thing on Earth and yet most things come to our lives with a sell-by or expiry date and so does every year.

This year will remain very close to my heart. It allowed me to feel and experience things that did not often fall in together into a safe space. It made me run like a headless chicken on one leg. The reason for the running around was that I was unaware of the quest - what was it that I needed to find? What was it that I was looking for? To crack the quest, I needed help. Lots of help. And help I did get from friends and family alike - till some of them were totally put off by my uncharacteristic questioning and seeking!

Once the quest became clear it was slightly easier though still a very steep climb. So, 2014 perhaps found me hanging by a rope around my hips with my snow shoes firmly planted into the icy crust making my way to the summit.

The quest is difficult and I have just started off on the journey but, though I know that the path will be difficult and very different from the usual, I have decided to enjoy the climb. In that way, I was happy to usher 2014 in. I know I have to walk the road less traveled this year and I feel excited to think what all I'm going to discover at the end of it.

The first half of 2013 was spent in continuation of what I was already doing last year - eat, pray and love. I was meditating, writing, working from home, meeting benevolent clients, meeting friends and simply enjoying life. It was like a celebration of being alive. I loved it and thanked God everyday. It was only after June that life took a 360 degree turn and I went back to a full-time job. The idea was to push the boundaries once more.

I will not speak of the experience at work at all because it does not matter whether I work from home or an office. I will still give my 300% to my job. Whatever happened at work or did not is not the story either. The story was actually something else. It was about self-discovery. It was about realizing how less I knew myself and thus others around me.

Here I'd like to thank all my friends and confidants who showed me the way. This was the first time that I approached the men in my circle of friends to seek out their theory on my journey and the feedback I received from them was an eye-opener of sorts. Many of them confessed to have asked the exact same questions to themselves and even said that they had found the answers after a lot of soul searching. Thus, 2013 opened my eyes up to a brand new discovery - the world of men! How I wish I had grown up with a brother in the house!!!

So, what is my quest and how the journey will be chalked-out is not important but, suffice it to say that I was pretty sad last night because I had to let 2013 go and it was a cold farewell where we both knew that we had to part but, both wanted to linger a little longer. No tears mind you because there were no regrets but, no grand 'moviethon' like last year to bring the year to a close. (Read all about it in the link below.)

It was just a long-debated hair cut that I have been vacillating on for the last three years, a scrumptious dinner with family and smiles. Lots of smiles because 2013 made me realize that I need not depend on others for my happiness. It was a sudden realization but, I cannot imagine how I had let it pass me by for all these years? It took a lecture from a very dear friend to wake me up. He said, and I quote, "why do you have to be the crowd pleaser? Why do you have to put others before self? This is bull shit!"

It dawned on me after a couple of days of meditating on his words that he was right. I just needed to be me. Say "No" when I wanted to and not always 'try'. It made me scared as this thought was new but, it also made me happy once I made peace with the twist in the story.

I really want to thank all my friends who helped me find me because they have already searched and found themselves. I confess that I spilled my guts out for the first time in my life and am not ashamed that I did. It was one of the most liberating experiences I've ever had. Though some of them may have been totally put-off by the constant chatter and the clutch of queries.

And now for the overriding question haunting me for the last few years that did not get answered even in 2013 - where lies my destiny? Yet, the year has made me even more determined to try and walk through every minefield in the vicinity to reach the end that I'm destined to meet.

I also realized that though I love my own space and mostly hate intrusion yet, this year taught me how my hermit-like existence had softened my edge. To deal with people I need to live with people. Love, hatred and space encroachments not-withstanding people are necessary - even if I want to file them away in my memory and extract them to write a story on a later date.

So, my new year resolution? Love myself more to be able to love everyone else who crosses my path or at least tolerate intrusion. Also to be able to stop and draw the line wherever needed. I also want to continue writing and getting printed. It is the story-teller me who is the happiest person I know.

Have a fun-filled and happy new year everyone!

And here's the one from last year!

http://shomachakraborty.blogspot.in/2012/12/a-few-words-of-thanks-everyone-for.html

Finally, starting the year with a quote by Lennon who never ceases to amaze with the simplicity of his thoughts...

Have a wonderful and adventurous new 2014! Go find yourself.

Halfway through

Exactly 183 days done and anther 183 to follow for this year to end. I would not say it was a great year or excellent or a horrid year even. To say that an year was/is bad shows the inherent human weakness to pass on the buck of bad luck, famine, world war or a failed marriage on something as inconsequential as a tangible but, non-existent time scheduler/ scheduling device.

To say, that 'it was a good year' always makes me think of ripe and full-bodied red wine. It simply does not work. Whether good or bad, the year has nothing to do with what happens in our life, however time does. How am I spending my time? Most of us have no answer to that question because we are so busy squeezing out every moment from time to finish whatever it is we need to do on a daily basis. As we grow older, the list also grows and very soon we are slaves to time.

Not that I am saying we should be irresponsible and stop doing whatever that is expected of us and take off on a self-realization/actualization path. No, in fact I'm not saying anything like that at all. What I am saying is, do whatever it takes to make your life worthwhile. If it is responsibilities that you need to take on go on and take them on by all means and finish off all your tasks before hanging up your boots.

The problem is that we all have finite lives and more often than not it comes to an end much before we realize that we never even got the chance to put that bucket list together! What I am trying to break here very gently and also perhaps, not too gently is that fact that death is the only truth of life. I was born and therefore I shall die (and thank God for that!) However, I need to take a breather at least once in my busy irrational life to sit back and reflect - "Why was I sent here? What is the real purpose of my life?"

If it was just procreation then I could have been sent on Earth as an insect - to die after mating or giving birth!

For many years now that question has been nagging me in a myriad different guises. I ask why am I here and life throws a barrage of answers back at me and I am too stupefied mostly to react. Then, I go back to being my adult and responsible self - like a worker ant or bee pulling my weight unmindful of the imminent.

This year however, has been different. There were deaths - several deaths. They shook up my complacent existence and pushed me to a corner where all the possibilities stood waiting.  

"What if you die?"

"Now? Today? After 10 years, 20 years? What if? I know I will." (smirk)

"What about today?"

"Yes? What about it?" (faltering a little)

"What would be your contribution?"

"What contribution? Don't talk like local goons seeking chanda for Ramlila?" (irritated)

"Nonsense! You know what we mean? What will be your legacy?"

A cold sweat breaks out and I stare unblinkingly at the bunch without moving a single muscle not even twitching the irritated nose.

Legacy? I'm supposed to leave behind a legacy? That was daunting. Only revolutionaries, politicians and leaders in the field of art and culture leave behind a legacy. What can be my contribution?

Scary shit this legacy business. It actually makes you feel crappy about all your other achievements. And yet, is it a strange query? I think not.

Who will cry when I die? I have been grappling with that question for a while now. Forget your own small circle of relatives, friends and neighbors. They don't count. Maybe your dog, if you have one does and the little boy who delivers bread, milk and eggs to your doorsteps everyday does if he is unhappy to see you no more because you treated him with respect. Yes, and the little girl who sells flowers by the temple counts if she waits for you to show up once a week and give her a smile along with the change.

Can kindness be a legacy? Maybe yes. I try everyday and fail several times in 24 hours. I try again but, am crushed by other people's unkindness, uncouth-ness, injustice and above all their cruelty. Therefore, where I take one step forward, I find many hands pushing me back and forcing me to take two steps back. My back is bruised by the rough wall I'm pushed against and I need to breathe.

"Soon, very soon", tells my brain, "you will be free." Also inane things like, 'this is just a phase', 'you are better than the others' etc.

So I run away. Literally, and lock myself up in me. Being a recluse is also very restful. No need to talk through the day or plan, strategise, rework other people's shit, mentor, tell, do - no stress. Soon, the head clears up - this I'm sure is better than any spa experience.

So, what else can I do? I try and think back and remember how I wanted to be an artist when I was young. I pick up a pencil, put it on  a paper and see the same old lines coming out of it - 20 year old lines that have not matured with time, only become more inflexible - I shed tears for lost opportunities and throw away the pencil in self-disgust. It hurt - specially when there was so much talks of possibilities in my growing up years.

Then, I spend days re-reading and evaluating each book that had made me happy, sad, confused and clear-headed. I put a pen (proverbial) to paper (read computer) and words start flowing, paining pictures of places, people, skies, seas and forests. I decide to give myself time with it and that is how I have spent the last couple of hundred (almost) days. I still do not know if anything would come off it or if it will ever allow me to leave a legacy behind but, at least I tried!

I know that for a little while now, when I face the bunch of rascals in my head and they start asking difficult questions after cornering me, I can shrug them off saying, "I'm doing my bit for posterity".

What's your excuse?