The DIY Managing Life Changes List

Change is perhaps the only constant in life and therefore, must be embraced with affection. It may not be a great thing always though and needs to be identified and dealt with as soon as you realize it is not doing you good.

Look at migratory birds that fly thousands of miles to avoid Arctic winters. Fly away from toxic changes as soon as you are able to identify them.

I believe that just like the birds we are all equipped to avoid toxic changes in our lives that hurt our well being. I am not talking about toxic people. Those you need to get rid of first before you press the reset button. These are the people who may have pushed you into the darkness in the first place. Don't worry about losing them. The world is full of amazing people waiting to meet the best you. 

It's difficult to make life-altering changes like getting rid of anger and depression. I can say this because, I have fought both with all my might. The former more than the latter.

Anger is like an all-consuming, red-hot and live piece of coal in that you are holding in your hands. The more you flail your hands, the more it burns and hurts you. Because, oxygen - duh!

Anger makes us lose our wisdom, go crazy for long periods of time when all you see is red. It's toxic. It gives you among other things, health issues. I get blinding headaches whenever I am angry. I hate being angry because, that is not my base nature. I am a happy-go-lucky kinda person (or would like to believe so because, believing is the first step into being) who gets on in life because I don't take things too personally. It's a very womanly trait. In normal life we call it, adjustment - all women are taught to adjust because they are expected to.

But, despite my mother's constant effort to make me a loving and adjusting kind of person, I was plagued by anger for a long time - for good reason too.

It took me a project that I worked on with a group of Buddhist practitioners to realize how anger had turned into my base nature because of circumstances. Thankfully with that realization, I could make a strong decision and get rid of it. It was pretty much easy once I had accepted that anger had taken over my personality.

Similarly, depression. I realized I was unable to do the most basic of things without feeling martyred. I would feel sad and everything, even the smallest of tasks seemed impossible to achieve. I told this to a dear friend during a phone conversation where she asked me why I had stopped meeting people. She was astute enough to point me to the right direction. From there on, it was my job to pull myself out of the hole I was sinking into. Not that others had not pointed it out before but, I had never accepted it until it came from her because, she was battling the demon with medicines and therapy because, it had gone too far already.

Change is difficult. Mood changes even more so. Strangely enough when you are plagued by moods, you end up doing some pretty impressive stuff too. I know because I do. Then, you start believing, "Wow! This is so cool. I think, I like it this way."

That is a bad decision to take because, the more you to stick to it the more difficult it gets to rid it off your system.

The first thing to do however, is acceptance. I think (and I am not a doctor) that acceptance of a problem is the first step towards righting it. Unless you accept that there is a problem, you can never work towards a solution.

Here's my list of getting over mood changes with the hope that someone out there reading this post is able to change the direction of their life like I was not once but, many times:

1) Accept the problem

2) Think of the root cause

3) Look inside yourself to find the solution

4) Be the change you want to see - imagine and achieve

5) Become aware of the catalysts and look them in the eye - don't be afraid of them

6) Make lifestyle and routine changes

7) Talk about it with trusted people

8) Make lists (if needed) and follow your own advice

9) If it is impossible to change the root cause, then stop worrying about it and start planning your life away from it

10) Exercise and keep yourself occupied - Read, write, dance, play with kids, watch happy movies, pursue hobbies - whatever it takes

11) Help others in need - no biggies needed, help an old lady cross the road, a child learn a poem. Anything that gives you instant warmth

12) Be thankful and grateful for all that you have

13) Tell people who are important in your life how much they matter

14) Plan your future - nothing long term but, you can easily have short term goals which when you achieve will give you immense pleasure

15) Do the things that used to make you happy as a kid - lie on a sheet of cloth and count stars or watch clouds, play catch with the kids, drink milkshakes or read comics - whatever picked you up when you were little and easily pleased

16) Laugh a lot, giggle and smile at even the silliest of jokes instead of rolling your eyes

17) Spend time with your family and be constructive at home - volunteer to buy groceries, cook or clean up the cupboards

18) Keep a diary - at least in the beginning

19) Read the diary to see how far you have come

20) Finally and this is my DIY pick-me-up formula when things go on recession mode - eat things you love and photograph the moments for happy memories to fall back on when things look bleak

I know that it may not be a great list from a medical point-of-view but, I never took medical advice. I just went for it with the mindset of a conqueror and developed this template for myself.

Today, when winter is finally turning into Spring - literally, I decided to share my list with others who are finding it difficult to adapt to change.

Have a rocking February!

Satisfaction: It's Yours to Judge

Satisfaction comes from within and not out. I remember once a dear friend of mine describing her favorite childhood dress being a gaudy red, sequined frock with ruffles which she wore with a golden tissue 'odhni' wrap put around her shoulder like a shawl, come Summer or Winter.

She said that she used to wear it for every occasion for about a year. She also laughed at my pained expression saying this used to be the exact expression on her mom's face throughout that year. I can imagine being a middle-class Bengali lady in the mid to late 1970s, her mom, like mine and most of their peers, must have been the epitome of understated style, wearing impeccably-starched and folded pastels, white and snuff-colored Saris to evenings of cultural soirees and art film shows. Imagine this garish child tagging next to her!

It made an incredible story and we laughed aloud when she said that she used to sometimes add to the dress-up, cheap faux-pearl or shell necklaces that relatives would get back as souvenirs from their travels for her mom. The mother of course had never even touched them. We laughed till our stomach ached and we lay spent on the floor still clutching our sides.

Once sobered up, we had this very enlightening discussion on how we'd never imagine doing that any more and then sat up thinking how easy it was to be satisfied when we did not have any idea of what was expected of us. It allowed us to choose whatever we wanted.

It has been a long time since that day and we have both come a long way and spread far away from each other. She home schools her children and I work from home.

In many ways we have not changed and despite our conservative upbringing we have done things that was and still is unthinkable in most middle class homes. We have experimented and rebelled and have in turn collected both accolades and brick bats on our journey to womanhood.

It is an universal truth that our choices make us different. It is also true that we always have choices. The problem with having so many choices is that we are seldom if at all satisfied with the ones we have made.

Each time we take a decision or make a choice, we start wondering if that was the right one. Self doubt is the core of dissatisfaction. Just like the multiple choices, we also have these hundreds of thousands of case studies at our disposal that show us how other choices are better than ours. In our deep research we forget all about 'individual choices' and 'personal journeys'.

As a child, I was satisfied that I got a sister to play and fight with - she was a best friend right at home. What more could a kid want. For many years neither I nor she were too keen on adding others to our closed circle of two - though we did not do much in it or even had any deep dark secrets to hide. There was also a slightly larger circle around it that had cousins and family friends' children who were also our friends and then there was this much larger circle that had school friends and later college and office friends.

We were satisfied in our world. Till I had to move out of the city for many years and realized that phone would not do what our regular night walks had achieved. I had to look beyond. I had to start afresh. I knew no one in the new city had neither ready made friends nor family.  

There was this huge gap that needed to be filled. She also understood it and we moved into other circles and made our way into completely new ones.

This new stand led me to make many friends and I changed. I became a totally different person and a much more experimental human being because no one knew me or my family - I had almost no peer pressure. When I returned after almost a decade, I found that my sister had become more conservative.

There was still a lot of dissatisfaction, I wondered if I was doing it all wrong or if she is? And I bet she felt the same way too. Sartorially also a lot of new influence had crept up into our wardrobes where earlier we used to share the same clothes - we were almost same size except for trousers and shoes, now, I had mostly colorful informal outfits and she, mainly a collection of formal wear. In the last few years, we have again influenced each others outfits because I see a lot of office wear in my cupboard while hers looks a little more colorful and experimental.

Dissatisfaction is almost always a result of peer pressure. The overwhelming need to be able to blend in with the accepted norms of the society.

I am highly satisfied with flip-flops and pavement store clothes but, each time I dress my, way my family cringes and worries about what others will say about my lack of 'proper' dressing. Often falling into that trap I end up wearing stuff that everyone else is also wearing - in the end losing my own sense of style and happiness.

I used clothes as an analogy here because they are the easiest to understand. After all, clothes makes a man or a woman as the case in point.
As a child we could get away being embarrassing but as adults we make changes to satisfy the world.

It is not very dissimilar in other more deeper aspects in life. For example I hate allopathic medicines and like to cure myself with homemade remedies or Homeopathic medicines. However, most people think that I'm playing with my life or just being stupid. If I tell them that it works for me then, I get snide remarks about how faith cures many ailments.

Similarly, though an ex-journalist, I have stopped subscribing to both newspapers and Cable TV for many years. People have called me many names including a freak and a turn-coat. I feel happier without so much cacophonous influence in my confined space. In between I had also experimented laying-off the Internet away from work.  

In the beginning it was difficult. For more than a year, I was in two minds if I should get a Cable connection - especially when my dad refused to visit my place and even called me a 'miser' - eventually he gave up and now comes over to watch movies with me on DVD at my place. He now understands that I need my peace and quiet while he needs his daily Bengali soaps. I also compromised with the Internet. It was a necessity that allows me to stay in touch with the world.

It is very difficult to be satisfied with what we have because most of the times we are looking outwards towards others to give us their stamp of approval. However, it is easier to be satisfied when we forget about others and start doing what we want to do. The satisfaction of being able to conduct a life that is totally based on what we want from it would probably bring to us a real sense of satisfaction that can never be bought off-the-shelf. 

I'd like to conclude with another conversation with another friend much recently who went on and on about how I should get rid of my old jalopy and buy a new one because otherwise, people will not take me 'seriously' or give respect to my 'seniority'. This time I did not get into a discussion at all. I smiled and walked away with a polite nod.