Anatomy of Depression

Depression, as it becomes more and more acceptable in the modern world, we talk about it more openly and with 'No Reservations'. As I sit typing and watching an episode of CNN's, 'Parts Unknown' featuring Anthony Bourdain and his girlfriend, Asia Argento and her family, filmed in Rome where she lives, I wonder what went wrong? Didn't the man who was on a mission to visit every corner of the world so friendless that he couldn't even make a call in a ditch attempt to save himself?

Bourdain, who must have pulled a whole lot of people out of their stupor - if not depression - and pushed them out of their safe and luxurious couches to go and explore the world, is dead. He hung himself with the belt of a hotel bathrobe in the city of love, Paris - so much irony! He was alone in a hotel room with every luxury at his disposal including the weapon of his own destruction and phones that could have saved him.

We may never know what went wrong ever. The man who started walking the earth at age 42, eating through unknown palates and filming humans and their food across the world, unmasking civilizations - known and unknown - is no more. It's disorienting as well as scary. The man who could meld into any milieu couldn't live with himself.

Read my article here to know more about the incident and the person,

Traveler, chef Anthony Bourdain commits suicide, Obama, Trump mourn untimely death

All the usual theories fall flat on the face of such incidents. Perhaps it is time to start discussing mental health threadbare instead of making jokes and memes about it. It is time to switch on the compassion button, a time to cultivate patience that allows us to listen to others and to speak about our own shortcomings - real or imagery - without fear of being judged.

Perhaps in the long run, it may or may not save your life because the ultimate truth is death but, while we are here on earth, it will let us live in peace knowing that there is someone to talk to, feel safe and loved. When betrayal is more common than friendship, we need to collectively challenge our social makeup and push for a change. Perhaps this is the time. Perhaps we have missed the deadline long back but, it is always good to start somewhere. Better late than never.

Growing up, I was exposed to a whole bunch of negatives that I am sure most kids face. I faced, school bullies who wanted to push and keep me in a corner, biased teachers who only found mistakes and never appreciated any of my efforts, sexual predators, back-stabbing friends and elders and peers who would always try and put me down.

College was oxygen and I still am thankful for landing among great academics who were also compassionate humans, never worried about sharing knowledge of books as well as life. If not for that, I would have never become as resolute as I a today. It also helped greatly that I had a very loving set of parents who were always supportive, involved and loving.

Life is tough and no one teaches you how to deal with it. And I don't blame anyone for that because the permutations and combinations of the people we encounter in our lives are unique and no one knows what we are going to encounter.

But, as I grew up and met the worse periods of my life, I learnt to control my mind and keep it off darkness through hit and trial as do most people.

Though not many would like to talk about depression and any other 'weaknesses' and though I have never taken help from a psychiatric, I want to talk about it. I have practiced listening and supporting friends and family for a long time and have now started taking my own problems outside of the home as my parents grow older and more fragile. Some of the things that I have learnt while taking control of my life are very basic.

Actually, all it takes is recognizing your weakness, accepting it as a problem and talking about it. For example, I have always been a slacker in the mornings - I have also always glorified it, calling myself a wise owl - but, now as a consultant working from home I realized it was a bad thing. I spoke about it with a friend-cum-client who starts her day really early, her simple answer was, "you are not getting enough sleep."

I thought about it and realized that she had hit the nail hard on the head. I accepted the fact that I stay up late just enjoying the silence of the night - have always done so - but, now I needed an early start so that I could wrap up my day fast.

Once I accepted it, I have started staying away from the laptop in the night, switching off the phone Internet and sound and going off to sleep often with my parents because, sleeping with the people I love the most makes me feel comfortable. Thus, I am trying to change my sleep cycle for the first time in life. I sleep early and wake up fresh. You can do this with whoever you feel closest to because, it is really difficult to change a childhood habit like sleep cycle and needs strong resolution to achieve.

Life is like the celestial dance of Kali, the Hindu goddess. When we are frenzied by our own zeal, we forget to really understand our actions till the time, Shiva, our conscience wakes us up from our stupor. The harm is already done but, there is still time. There is always time.

Most of our life is actually a reflection of how we have built it. Here are some of the good practices that have helped keep me out of reach of darkness. Hope it helps whoever is fighting darkness or anyone who is fighting it around them:

Speak

Each time we meet with failures - real or fictitious - we need to sit back, take a deep breath and speak about the pain with someone. Talking makes it easier to handle. Don't hit the bottle, meet a friend or call up and ask them to come over. Most will agree to listen. Some might even share some good advice but, that may fall flat at that moment but, their kindness will never go unnoticed by your ravaged heart.

Also, the more you speak about your distress, the easier it will be to handle them. Try and avoid the ones who are fighting problems of their own or those who have a tendency to rat on you or make fun of you. You always know who they are. You don't need any more betrayals at this point.

Cry

"Tears are not weakness". Thankfully one of my wise professors had told me this when I was a freshman. In between a lecture on the ancient Greek society and their culture, he had said that it is good to cry. Crying is good for letting go. I can't thank him enough for that advice.

Crying is a great way to let it out. But, don't make it a habit. If you are crying too much, seek help please. It is a sign - not of weakness but, of depression. Tears are also a sign that indicate depression. If everything makes you cry, then seek help from a metal health expert immediately.

Laugh

I was always a happy child. Even as a youngster I would always smile and laugh which was actively supported by my parents - especially my father. As I joined the adult world, some people labelled me an "airhead" but, somehow that never stopped me from laughing. I am glad that I can laugh and smile. It helps me overcome pressure. Over the years as pressure built up in relationships, work or when my bank balance got depleted, thanks to other people dipping into it to sustain their expensive habits, I almost inevitably would laugh it off after a while.

Sometimes it took me longer to laugh a situation off but, that one natural instinct has been a life savior. Please laugh if you don't often. Don't listen to people who tell you that you are an airhead or silly old woman/ man to do so. Just ignore such people. You NEED endorphins.

Listen

As you start practicing compassion,  you will automatically start listening to people. The more you practice listening, the more patient you will become and you will find the answers to your problems in other peoples'. It is a wrong assumption that you pick up negativity when you listen to negative stories. Instead, when you listen to someone else's problems, you start realizing that you are not just the only one in the crowd.

It paints for you, a bigger picture. Like a wise friend once said, "when you stare at the tree constantly, you miss the forest." It takes a while to achieve that patience to just listen and offer nothing but, your ears. But, once you have practiced it, you are one of the rare breed that will always receive love and blessings. Sympathy will lead to empathy and it will enrich your life in more ways than you can imagine. The Dalai Lama had once said, "The only religion I practice is compassion."

Meditate

It is easier said than done. Not everyone buys into meditation as we are not ready to put our problems on hold for even a few minutes. Meditation is not a complex state of being nor is it an unattainable goal / state of being. If you understand that your smartphone needs daily rebooting to free-up space in its RAM thanks to the multiple apps running simultaneously in it you will catch on to why your mind and body needs meditation. Meditation helps you slow down your breath for a few minutes and regroup your body and reclaim your mind.

It does take a little time to reach the "no thoughts zone" but, it comes with practice and no, you don't really need to sit in Yogic mudra to do it. You can do it sitting comfortably in a silent space anywhere or while listening to soothing music in your drawing room or in a joggers' park. Regular practice will help your mind close down and restart once you open your eyes. It is refreshing like nothing else.

Give up Anger

What we seek, we receive. If we are on a panic mode all the time, we will always be scared and angry. Our worries get transferred on whoever comes in contact with us. Soon, people start avoiding us because of our forever-irritated mood or because we are always on a short fuse. Anger turns you mean and negative. Whatever you say or do under the influence of anger is something you will regret when you wake up. Anger becomes a constant because of your frustrations and fears from outward situations. As the Buddha wisely said, "holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die."

Anger is not easy to handle because, most of the times we justify our anger. The day you realize that you have anger-management issues, acknowledge it and start looking for reasons why and ways you can heal yourself. Give it a shot and see the change in the quality of your life. If you are constantly pressurized, always angry, the chances are that you will hit the darkness button soon.

There are other small ways you can also add to your daily routine to avoid depression. I had written about them earlier. You can read it here,

Stay Healthy to Stay Happy this Winter

And here,

The DIY Managing Life Changes List

And,

Beat Stress without Breaking Sweat

Have a very happy and adventurous life so you can go without regret when you leave this world. Be a little selfish and put, "Me First" because, compassion can only work if you are first of all compassionate towards yourself.

My Thanksgiving Speech Sans the Turkey Roast

It's Thanksgiving once again and amidst amazing pictures of dinning tables and happy families across the seven seas I thought I'd get going with my thank you list - a tradition I started last year.

Let me tell you right here that this not a festival I celebrate personally nor do we get around the table at home and carve a turkey nor has it caught on in India - yet. But, I simply love the spirit of Thanksgiving. 

Being grateful brings great joy. It gives immense satisfaction. It makes one feel positive and happy and I like being happy. 

So, here goes my list for the year gone by. And... my vote of thanks goes to:

Family and Friends

As is the tradition - from what I have seen in innumerable Hollywood movies - I want to start with thanking my family and friends. Thank you, all of you and even if we did not get to speak at all this year, know that I cherish you all and am immensely thankful for your presence in my life. As is wont to happen in life, towards the sagging end of glorious spring - which I am going to be holding on to for a few more decades - I have realized that life is about relationships and nothing is more precious than human interactions. I will always be grateful for having you all around in all corners of the planet and know that there would have been no story of my life without each one of you in it. Thank you! Thank you and Thank you all! 

The Internet

This year because I have been working as a consultant without any fixed brick and mortar office. I would like to thank the Internet from the bottom of my heart for being there and making this miracle happen. I couldn't have done it without you! Lots of love and immense gratitude.

YouTube

Being a consultant and setting up a practice of my own also meant that I spent long hours at home working and calling strangers on phone and rushing out once in a while to meet people and working the official odd hours. Which means, I had scant time to actually go out and get entertained. This is where YouTube came to my rescue. From movies to comedy to gossip and news, I just had it all whenever I could find time. Considering I have not had a cable connection for more than a decade now, thanks to the new tube I can enjoy the magic of motion pictures once more! Thanks especially to the ever-sassy, IISuperwomanII, Pemberly Digital and Hallmark Channel's family-oriented love dramas. I know it sounds totally sappy but, hey! It's Thanksgiving. I refuse to lie. Thanks for the clean-cut and guilt-free entertainment any time I am free. 

Twitter

Oh! Thank you for making the adrenaline rush without going to the treadmill! It's a war zone out there and I really don't know what I'd have done without the excitement. It's addictive to invite trolls and then cry foul when the insults start! Ahhh! For cheap thrills! I love, love, love this site for bringing out the pseudo-intellectual snob in me. It's a great workout for the idle mind - I swear! 

Instagram

Who needs to go to a spa to relax when you can see the world in one click and be sucked into a fairy tale universe? I love the Instagram like nothing I have or perhaps will - err... maybe that was a perfect example of over-commitment but, hey! I live in the present, so... It makes my faith grow in leaps and bound for the planet Earth. The most beautiful planet with the most photogenic houses run over by the cutest and most well-mannered kids in perfect clothes with perfect kitchens overflowing with lovely food, the beautiful ladies and pearls of wisdom. The list of all things beautiful here is overwhelming. All's well with the world and God's in Heaven! Amen! 

PS: It's addictive. I think I may need rehab after a while for being this delusional first thing in the morning. Gee! But, Thanks for the awesome dopamine high every morning. Who needs dope? #instadope #instahope

Pinterest

My teenage life's greatest wish was having scrapbooks full of beautiful pictures that were actually my wishlist and what do you know? I have boards that take me to La La Land whenever I want to bail out. I used to love Pinterest the most till Instagram happened but, it still remains one of my favorite guilty pleasures. My secret scrapbook of my ultra secret wet dreams of fashion, travel bucket list, art, vintage cinema... all in one place on the worldwide web. Thank you so much!

Kindle

Though I only use the App but, nothing beats the pleasure of snuggling up in the bed and reading on the phone's white light - ruining my eyes beyond repair - and falling asleep with the phone lying flat on my nose making me sneeze and snore! But, that's just a very small price to pay. I just love all the free paranormal and young adult fiction that makes me feel less than half my real age and actually ready to take on the world till I wake up with an achy breakey back in the morning. Sigh! But, hey I love it and I will always be thankful of the fact that I can continue reading easy fiction without choking my home with more books. What more can one ask for? #Instaentertainment #Instahappiness

Writing

I can never be tired of thanking the universe for giving me the ability to write. It is the best thing in my life - it pays my bills, puts food on the table and lets me express myself like I can never do in person in a room full of people. Thank you dear ancestor whoever shared your gene with me!

Random Acts of Kindness

Over the years I have realized the hard way that no man or as in this case, woman, is an island. To all the random people who have ever appeared in my life out of nowhere just to give me a smile for no reason, the strangers who have taken my side out of the blue in a room full of people pushing me to a corner, people who have shared a seat in a crowded Metro or saved me from slipping on wet floor - happens all the time, shared water on a hot summer day or just randomly put a hand on my head to say, "God bless!" for no reason. I am thankful to you all for having appeared out of the blue  to cheer me up whenever life tried to break my back - happens all the time. You all make me feel happy to be a part of the human race and though it may sound too uncool and sentimental but, I wish on this Thanksgiving to be able to be like you kind people who taught me the greatest lesson in life, "it's always possible to be kind!"

Thank you everyone who I have already met and those I am yet to meet. I so look forward to getting inspired by you kind folks for the rest of my life. 

Thank you universe for putting me where I am and taking me through this amazing journey called the story of my life!

Thank you!

Love Happens

There's always a drama unfolding around us without us having any knowledge of it. I was sitting around wondering after a week of backbreaking hard work, 'Can a man and a woman stay best friends forever without breaking the barrier at some point? And what happens at point break?' The answer is perhaps never going to be clear. Because it can never be. Love is after all a two-way street. Hence, the story of one such 'couple' who are also best of friends.
~ Shoma

"Love does not come in knocking doors, it happens."
"It does not happen, it creeps up and catches you by the throat at your most vulnerable."
She looked up from her book at this rejoinder to cast a baleful eye at her friend whose attention was glued to a game console.
"One day your fingers will become stiff and fall off."
"Whatever.."
Their conversations hardly lasted more than four sentences at a time but, they were best friends for more than two decades now. So, there was this deep understanding between them that allowed them to understand without speaking.
Most often than not, they are found in each other's company mostly in companionable silence doing different things. She'd mostly be reading while he could be found doing anything between playing a cricket match with his friends to playing video game on the huge flat screen TV in his bedroom like today.
They had been inseparable since birth and now, at 27, they were best friends, frenemies, partners in crime, and thick as thieves.
Everyone from their friends to family were waiting for the announcement - for the world at large - they were an item. They knew what everyone thought but, did precious little to change the perception because it saved them a lot of trouble.
They had a tacit agreement which they had entered into at age 15 when the local Romeos had started stalking her all the way from the school bus stop to her door step in the afternoons.
"Let us pretend to be going around. This will ensure those guys backing off and I am left alone by your precious friends. Why those women are like snakes, creeping up and trying to coil around me!"
"You are mad! Why would I pretend to be going around with you? Everyone will laugh because no one will believe such a cock and bull story. The parents will blow their gaskets. Also, my friends are not creepy!"
Never-the-less, she had fallen-in with the plan and the parents had never said a word. Little did they know that everyone expected it to happen so, their 'relationship' was accepted without a bat of a single eyelid.
Years - more than 10 - had passed and they were still the same. Still bickering and still pretending to be a couple.
For the last few weeks, she had started thinking about it all over again since out of nowhere her mother made her expectations known.
"It's high time the two of you tied the knot. We want to have grandchildren while we are still young and able to enjoy watching them grow."
It was like a slap on her face. Marry? Him? He was just a friend.
So, she had pretended to be in a hurry and rushed off to work.
Today was Sunday. They were as usual together at his home. He playing video games on mute on a gigantic flat screen TV and she reading something light and frothy. She thought it was the best time to bring up the topic of her mom's conversation from the other day.
She had thought deep and pondered over it and knew it was high time they 'broke off' their pretend arrangement or die a spinster. Hence the topic of love.
"Listen, will you shut that thing off."
"Why are you nagging like a girl? I put it on mute."
"We need to talk."
"Talk? Hey! You do sound like a girlfriend!"
"Stop laughing. It's serious."
"OK. Serious eh?"
"Yes serious."
"Fine. Tell me ma'am. I'm all ears and the TV is off."
"You see. Erm... It's like this..."
"Stop beating around the bush please. What's it? You look worried. Is someone bothering you? Do you want me to break his nose? Hey! I'm your boyfriend..."
"Stop kidding will you."
"What's it?"
"OK. I want us to stop this pretend game."
"Us?"
"Yes."
"I see..."
"Do you?"
"Is there someone else?"
"Else? We were NEVER us."
"I know. But, old habit and all..."
She sighed deeply.
"Wow! That must have sunk a ship somewhere..."
"Shut up and listen."
"I am. What's up with you? PMS?"
"Oh. My. God. It's no use trying to talk to you. I'm going home. Officially this is over."
As she stood up from the couch, he got up from his slumped position on the mat and grabbed her wrist.
"Stop. Tell me what's wrong."
"We are wrong. We should not have pretended. Now everyone's emotions are attached with this."
"You are right we should not have. But, how can we break off something that never was?"
"Is that a joke?"
"No. It is the truth."
"Yes. You are right. The truth. How did we manage to spread such a huge lie and run with it for a decade?"
"Perhaps because..."
"I know..."
"Now will you tell me why you want us to break-off our 'pretend' status?"
"Ma wants us to get married..."
"That came fast."
They both laugh an awkward sound echoing brittle to their own ears. Her face ached from the effort and his heart just felt squeezed of all oxygen.
"Yes. I ran fast too - from her."
"You know when I think of it it's not such a bad idea."
"You are... mad! We cannot also have a pretend marriage now."
"No, not pretend. Real."
The silence in the room felt stretched to eternity.
"I think you have finally lost it. I need to go."
She tugged at the hand he was still holding.
"Let me go. We need to break this off."
He looked at her deeply. She looked away from his eyes. They were burning holes into her face. It was like he could penetrate into her mind and see what was inside her head.
"Let's talk."
"Let me go."
"What if I don't?"
"Why would you not? You've never ever before wanted to talk about anything."
"What if I want to now?"
"Stop answering in questions."
"OK. Here goes. I do not want to break off our pretend relationship. There I said it."
"Why? Because it is convenient for you to ogle at other women when we go out on pretend dates?"
"I ogle other women? When?"
"Last week. Always..."
"Last week? Be specific woman."
"OK. You kept on staring at that flashy woman who was sitting across from our table when we went out for dinner after work on Friday."
"I did? Wait. You mean that couple who could not stop holding hands?"
"Yes. That was even more embarrassing because she was with another guy."
"Listen. I was not looking at her. I was looking at them..."
"Them?"
"Them."
"Why?"
"Is it so difficult for you to get?"
"I think you should let go off my hand."
"What if I don't?"
"What's wrong with you?"
"You. You are wrong. We should not break it off."
"You don't get it do you?"
"I got it a long time back. I have been waiting for you to get it for all these years."
"You are insane."
"Yes..."
"Stop looking at me like you mean all this and let me go."
"Go."
He releases her hand and turns around. She almost stumbles out of the room, running without looking back. He spins around only to catch a glimpse of her pink chiffon 'dupatta' flashing and waving for one last time before disappearing down the hallway. Defeated he slumps and sits down on the couch and inhales deeply her lingering perfume. Thinking, 'When did love happen?'

An Ode to Superwomen

Broken. We are both broken, I and you.
Skin and bones crunch in agony,
The guns fire in a staccato rhythm,
Rat-a-tat, broken by applause of a thousand hands.

Tired, I'm bone tired and even as the floor shifts,
I reach my hands out to you and you catch it;
We know it's only minutes, maybe just seconds to go,
We smile and hold hands and even giggle. Audacious!

Hope fills the space, or maybe it's just us, together.
Enter, the old man with a riding crop,
The younger follows, with a deceiving smile;
It could be the end or the beginning, we really didn't know.

Children. Their cries fill up the air followed by laughter,
Giggles fill up the space.
We stop breathing and listen,
There are cries, many heart-wrenching, some sublime.

We look at each other and then at the door,
Mentally counting in unison,
One, two, three, go! We run.
The bones hurt, the skin smarts and angry gasps follow us.

Somehow, avoiding imminent torture we rush out,
Opening doors, rattling chains and cuffs, restoring order;
Footsteps come nearer. Hands, choking hands, curl around my neck,
I lose consciousness and fall.

You grip my dead hand, shouting obscenities.
Your hold tightens. And then, you fall, with me.
Wind drops, the world stops and we stay suspended,
Together, defying gravity, defying death.

I wake up and look at you pulling me back,
You are telling me, "come back you imbecile..."
I smile because I know you'll never let go and that together,
We kick ass!