To Die is to Live Again

'To live is to die a little everyday. But, I love the resurrection part. Death is all the strength I need to rebuild life from scratch.' This thought stuck me recently and made everything clear.

Struggling through life is a norm for most people. We fall flat on our faces and then, like new born calves, try again and again till we are finally able to stand erect supporting our weight on our own two legs. But, it does not end there. Each time we hit a road bump, there we go falling flat on our faces once more.

In my last post, I wrote about famous people who had fallen but, rallied back to great success. This time I want to share the result of my own introspection on failures. 

It is pretty frustrating to fall. I know because, I am constantly slipping and falling both physically as well as in life. However, a very strong realization hit me recently as a result of the critical introspection that I had been doing of my personal and professional failures to understand, 'what was I doing wrong?'

It is an exercise I started last year and today, I am glad to share my understanding because it shattered a few of my own precious myths.

First thing I understood was, 'why?' 

In certain cases I slipped because I was not looking, I was careless. However, these were outnumbered by situations where I fell because I was too focused and too cautious. The learning - 'sometimes it is fine to follow instincts and react - we all have great instincts'.

One thing that shone through this period of introspection was the ability to almost always adapt to and bounce back, no matter how bad the situation. I keep flowing with the tide till my feet find ground once more. This was good news!

In my single-minded determination to pursue goals I fail because I become blind to everything else. It confines my dreams. At times it also makes me selfish and insensitive to other peoples' points of views. It is more often than not, a cause of downfall because I end up working in isolation. Sometimes I even withdraw because I'm worried that others will steal my ideas and at others, I am scared to share because I worry about the butt of joke I'd become if my endeavor fails.

I realize that to win, I need to improvise at every step and seek partnership. There are hardly any achievements that have been won in isolation. Everyone needs a team or at least a partner who has their back.

Sometimes I also lost despite a team/partner because I was not paying enough attention. I was so busy working on my plan that I never knew what was happening around. Sometimes, it pays to be in touch with everyone, to keep a finger on the pulse of those around you. Maybe they are trying to tell you something that would have acted as the missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle or perhaps, they are not looking out for us at all, instead are busy in something else hence, leaving your back unattended. Often, I have been saved from trouble because I was constantly in touch with the team but, sometimes, either due to work pressure or some other reason when I did not, I'd found myself in a situation that pulled me down.

I also learnt that whatever happens, a learner never fails. S/he reinvents and strikes back. This is only possible by keeping our hopes alive and strongly hold on to our faith in self.

The key to success is to believe in your dreams. If I cannot dream I'll cease to exist. In my dreams I am unlimited and unvanquished. I am a winner already! At times it seems outright impossible. This makes me feel helpless, hopeless but, this is when I remember that this is not the end, the end is far from it.

I was recently watching the film, 'The Pursuit of Happyness' starring Will Smith. It is the real life story of a single dad's struggle to care for his 5-year-old and go after a dream that makes him start from scratch, live out of bags, even spend a night in a public toilet but, he does not give up. He despairs but, does not allow it to effect his performance and in doing so, turns over a new leaf in the story of his life and that of his son.

We all need to follow our dreams, whatever they may be, no dream is silly or small. They all have the potential to change our lives and that of those around us. We must hold on to them and improvise whenever we hit a road block. Every time we fail to make our dream a reality we die a little, but, each time we need to brush off that feeling of death and resurrect it in a new blue print. Never stop improvising, never stop adding.

I have bounced back every time and kept my sanity because, I have always lived my dreams. It is what has kept me floating.

This is great story by a life coach that I read today. It simply speaks about a person in deep despair because he'd lost his confidence and had sought out the help of the coach. This is the conversation that took place:

"Mentor: What was the strongest emotion you felt recently and how recent was it?

Person (after an incredulous pause): I was very angry just six hours back when my car was stuck in a jam.

Mentor: So, what happened to that anger? Where did it go in the last six hours after the incident?

Person (after an even longer pause and a smile at the end of it): It's there inside me..."

Yes, it never goes away, your dreams are always alive and right there inside you. Don't you ever forget that. Go make them real!

You are whatever you want to be and no one can steal your dreams unless you give them up without a fight.

...and Dilli will Die (Story of my Midnight Tryst with the Djinns who Guard Dilli)

They came visiting last night, the Djinns guarding the crumbling walls of the old Dilli.

They were burning. I swear. I touched one of them - all white and icy to look at but, my fingers sizzled and scorched. They were charred within minutes. I thought I would never be able to write again, but, I couldn't have been wrong. My fingers regenerated themselves like phoenix rising from its own ashes or like Dilli rising seven times from its own debris.

That is when I knew they were the Djinn protectors of Dilli. The ones who built it every time it was razed to the ground - a grand total of seven times!

"Why are you burning up? All of you?"

All of them spoke together, as if their voices were joined together in a strange harmony. I thought immediately of Darth Vader but, stopped right there. This was no movie. This was real. These were the protectors of my city and they had something they wanted to share.

"It's time!"

"Time?"

"For sacrifice"

"Sacrifice?"

Realizing, I was repeating myself, I decided to shut my mouth and just use my ears.

"It's time for another resurrection and Dilli is ready to burn to be brought to life once more. The eighth time."

Shoot! I had to talk.

"Should I move, I mean, I could always go back to Bombay. I would hate to shift to Calcutta. But, I could also scope out Bangalore..."

An eerie silence greeted me. The eyes of the djinns burnt with repressed fury. It suddenly dawned on me that they were angry - at me.

"S.sss...orry!"

"You need to pay attention and NOT ask silly questions."

"Oh...K"

"Listen, the residents have to die with the city to be reborn once more..."

I gulped. What? I HAVE to die!

"Is there no other way? You could take the politicians and the corrupt bureaucrats and the uncharitable socialites..."

"NO, everyone has to make the sacrifice."

"But, the citizens abandoned the city during Tughlaq's exodus down south..."

"Most died on the way and the rest on the way back when he changed his mind."

"I see..."

"It is inevitable."

Gulp, gulp, GULP!

"Oh!"

They stared at my scared face for a long time. I'm sure it was a long time because, I wanted to break the eye contact and go pee.

"It is inevitable. We just came to tell you that you need to wrap up - for the journey into your next life."

"Wrap? You mean, pack... like a bag?"

"No. Only your Karma goes with you."

"Then wrap/pack what?"

"Your life. Wrap up everything before you go. We want all the citizens to come back reincarnated into the new city and not float around as ghosts. Nothing should be left undone."

"I see... Actually... I don't. I have no EMIs to pay and..."

"Don't waste our time with your unnecessary thoughts. If this is the average intelligence level of the city..."

They even shook their heads in tandem - right to left and right back. I was waiting for them to shrug together when a thought dazzled my head.

"Why are you here? To warn me? What is it that you expect me to do? Meaning what do I have to wrap/pack up  when I cannot carry anything with me? I thought of a few books, my digicam, laptop, my favorite bag, some shoes and a few dresses, lipstick..."

"Did you ever grow up?"

"I did. Which is why I am asking. If I'd not, I'd have launched my bag open and started throwing things into it already and scrammed - to the next city."

Their eyes said it all. So, I decided to change tack.

"OK, taking it from the top. Let me ask questions in order. Why is the city ready to burn/destroy/crumble?"

"Because it is overflowing with sin of its people. Everyone is self-centered, uncaring, debauched..."

"Alright got it. But, isn't that the norm everywhere?"

"Don't know and don't care. We are caretakers of Dilli and not this 'everywhere'."

"So, that means you decide every time when the city needs to be renewed?"

"Yes! Why does that shock you?"

"I mean, I am shocked. How can you decide without asking anyone if they wanted to be reborn? It is highhanded behavior. I think you need to rethink your strategy. These are not the Dark Ages after all."

I was shocked to see all of them flick their left brows in tandem like a well rehearsed drill and cross their arms at me. Now, I had alienated them completely. They thought I was some kind of a blithering fool.

"Ask? Whom?"

"People. Citizens..."

"They have no idea. They are too far gone. Look at yourself."

"Hey! what have I done? You guys turn up in my house in the middle of the night, uninvited and you want me to act subservient and start packing - nothing! Also, I have never stolen from or hurt anyone - knowingly."

A fleeting look of repentance passed their faces but, it was gone so fast that I probably had imagined it in all the stress that was piling up.

"We came to warn you. We picked you and some others who can let everyone know. We can't go to each and every person. We picked those who were 'active' on this Internet thing."

I took a deep breath and held it for a moment before letting go.

"Since I'm having difficulty believing you myself when you are here in my bedroom, how do you expect that others are going to believe ME? Why not tell the politicians or the bureaucrats? It is their job after all."

"That's not our problem if people do not believe. It is their problem. The politicians and bureaucrats will immediately quarantine us and kill the news."

"That was cold and calculated!"

The eyebrows rose in unison like the cadets saluting the President on Republic Day.

"Have you been living with your eyes closed? Do you think people in this city deserve to live and prosper - as they are?"

Going by the slew of crimes and scandals hitting the headlines everyday, I stopped short of making another heated speech.

"You mean, because a bunch of aggressive people who perhaps do not belong to the city are ruining its innocence, everything has to go?"

I thought about all the beautiful monuments and the gardens and the installations at the parks and a tear escaped my eyes. Will the Old Fort survive this time?

"See, even you do not care for anyone. It's only the monuments that worry you. And just who are these aggressive outsiders?"

I stared down at my blue polished toes and squirmed in embarrassment. I was no better than the haranguing politicos who always found fault with the 'others'.

"I mean, why everyone and yes, I do care for the heritage of the city - one of the most beautiful - a tapestry of past and present inviting the future. It will all be gone..."

"Don't worry. The monuments stay. They have stayed for a really long time."

I shrugged thinking was there really nothing else to save? Suddenly as if like a television montage, visual images of all the scams, rapes, murders and the daily stories of bribery and brutality flashed through my mind. I knew it was them. They had taken over my mind - I assume they were too tired of trying to explain things to me. No, we needed a reprieve. Dilli needed a reprieve. I had already changed my mind - I could come back and continue in peace once the city is revived for the eighth time.

"Even the children have to go?"

"Everyone."

Their collective Darth Vader voice did not allow even an inch for me to try broker a deal for those who were below five years of age. No, they wanted all. The ancient djinns of Dilli wanted to destroy and resurrect and I could not think of even a single soul to save, not even mine, only the monuments and the gardens deserved to stay to tell the story of another lost civilization. They'd tell their stories to the same people when they came back to make it yet another supercity.

So, here is my bit of advice, straight from the Djinns, "please pack up, err, wrap up! It's time..."