A Rendezvous with Me

Looking at nothing is addictive and counting your breath first thing in the morning (with a cup of tea) is addictive, not to mention restful. I often stare at nothing in the mornings to rejuvenate myself. But, I have now realized that my mind is not doing the same thing as I.

How's that?

Well. My mind is always miles away and ahead of me. It is at the same time, planning, thinking, plotting things on some invisible timeline and wandering off into what ifs... The mind is mindful. Period.

Mine in particular, loves to gather wool.

So, even when I am trying hard to look at nothing and focus on none. I am a slave to my thoughts. And most often than not, they are crazy.

I have often wonder how my thoughts see me as.

Do they feel that I am a procrastinator? Do they think that since I do not keep too many incidents alive in my head, especially the sad or depressing ones, therefore, I am being good to them? Leaving them a lot of space to wander around in. Is it good for them?

I decided on a Sunday to sit them down over over a cup of tepid tea at a chai shop and ask them. 

This is how it went:

1) Me: Hi there! How are you today?

Response: A road trip to Leh. It should be done right after the rains when Summer's over and so are the Monsoons. But, it may be too cold. Will it be good to go in the Summer then? Do you think you'll be able to get good pictures using your piddly phone cams? Or should you first buy a camera that is worthy of such a trip... Do you think the monasteries will open their doors to you? Will you want to browse through their ancient texts? Do you think some monastery would allow you to stay on for a few? How about going to Lhasa? Do you think your pictures will one day be famous. Will you put Lhasa in a story? Will it be a mystery?

2) Me: I see you are in great spirits today! Do you think I'm supportive of your ideas?

Response: When do you plan to read that book on Swami Vivekanand by Sankar? It is languishing in that carton for a couple of months now. Do you think it will reveal the human side of the saint? What about the book on Indira Gandhi? Where did you put that book on Van Gogh? I think you should look it up again... By the way, do not worry about picking out that dress for the baby. She looks cute in rompers.

3) Me: OK. I get it. Errrm... are you worried that I do not get enough done?

Response: The trams in Calcutta! We must go back for a ride. Though Calcutta is very crowded and you had a tremendous adventure driving there last time (getting almost run over by a tram at College Street!) What fun that was. Each time I think of it, it reminds me of the movie Ghulam! Do you think Amir Khan's any good or he only pretends. You know about acting, being a nice guy etc. Oh! These Bollywood types i tell you! You had used the Bollywood angle very subtly in that book you wrote. You must... Hey! When do you plan to take it around to a publisher? Why don't you rewrite it? Make it more exciting. You know it was a good book. You must go to Lahsa and write a great book around it. All intrigue and mystery. That's best seller material...    

4) Me: Whoa! Wait for me will you. Where were we?

Response: Apply for a passport. We must see Paris! It would be fabulous if you can get a job in Europe and just go there for a while. It will do you good. Bombay was awesome for you. You are... But, you'll miss the baby. But, once she grows up, she can come and visit you. Your ma and baba can visit you in the Summers. They will be saved from the terrible Delhi heat!

5) Me: Paris? Europe?

Response: Listen. You need to go out more often and live with real people. Not just your family and people you know. Why don't you do think about what the Buddha said. Practice some compassion on yourself. You are too freaked out to be of any use to anyone...

6) Me: Uh! I am not listening any more. I have paid the bill. Let's go from here before these people think I am a freak talking to myself!

Response: It's so hot in here! Do you think Iceland is ever warm...

7) Me: Iceland! What?

Manager of the Restaurant: Ma'am! The other patrons are feeling uncomfortable. You OK? The kids are getting spooked out. You are talking to no one. The chair across is empty. Maybe you should see a doctor. My friend had a similar problem. He changed his job. He was stressed out. Another girl I know. She got cancer. The doctor said, it was because of stress. Maybe you should take off and go to the hills...

Me: I'm going, Don't worry. I'm fine. Just wanted to get in touch with myself...

Manager: In touch with yourself! Ma'am this is a respectable place. The door is on your right. Please mind the furniture.